Sunday, January 20, 2008
I think i have a habit of blogging only when i feel troubled..
I feel really stuffed up. Lately i have trouble trying to be understanding and tolerate the things which i find destabilising to my sense of security. I think its the trust that is lacking in me. On one hand i tell myself that nothing will, and nothing can happen, because of all that we've been through together.. Maybe its not so much the trust towards you, but the trust for the people that surrounds you. Yes i understand that the trust between us is all that matters. But i am struggling to accept that.
And when things get so unstable between us, someone new has to pop into the picture. Then i start reconsidering the relationship between us. I know i need you alot, because you have always been there to make me happy. Been there to support me. You know my deepest secrets, you know my entire being.. But now its easier to give it up. I dont know how to explain this feeling, but if there was one word to use, that'll be replacement.
Its wrong, to give you up. I know it, cos that would mean giving up on the God that we both share. Maybe, just maybe if we can find the God that we shared before once more, then things will look up. I hope that is the case then. But to find God again is so difficult, because of the wavering state of my spiritual life.
You know everything seems to be going the wrong way.. I just need to find some direction. Something that can lead the way. Sometihng to give motivation, to encourage the continuity of normality. How about love? A measure of love..
Right now all i feel is grumpy gas. Hopefully sleep can take it away form me. Hopefully a short prayer can alleviate it. Hopefully you can take it away from me.
How do I be more understanding? How do I take on God's presence in my life?
Show me a sign Lord..
TheHolySin redeemed you at
10:45 PM
Monday, January 14, 2008
Inside me is a mix of emotions. You want the best of a person, yet you know that the best for that person is something which you would have to give up. The part of you that has been so stregthening, so appeasing, so stable, so certain, so loving. You know you are selfish by holding on to this part, so you want to be sacrificing. To let that part go, hoping that it will come back one day. But maybe you dont want to sacrifice, because you know that your heart will be ripped up and torn into shreds.
Then maybe you should ask yourself why this is happening. Well there can be many reasons. It depends on what you have done. I am a child of God. I am very very proud of that. To be baptised, I can very firmly say is the most blessed thing in my life.That is why i want to live like how Jesus would. But because the past few days have been days of darkness. Of gloom, of doing things only to say to yourself, hey man you should not have done that. So you live in regret. Confused, dissapointed, not sure of what to do next. Because whatever you do would result in more hurt, more pain. So you choose to avoid everything altogether. But running away from the problem isn't the best solution in the long run..
So I pray. I turn to God again. I ask for forgiveness from the Lord. For being so detached, for sinning, for turning away. My shoulder shrugs. I turn inwards, i question myself, i question God. Why do such obstacles have to happen. Time and time again..
Why do I have to get so agitated so often. Why does my agitation affect you so much. I thought you could tell me, to stop it. Instead of turning the cold shoulder. But then again I am expecting too much. Maybe i should just stop feeling so agitated. To turn those negative energy into a sacrifice to God. Maybe that has been eluding me for so long. The Josephian spirit of being men for others.
I shall just try that.
Thank you SJI, once again for reminding me of the times where you educated me morally..
I know its too late, so I guess this is an experience that I will have to learn from. Memories of learning, or growth, of love..
Two steps behind...
TheHolySin redeemed you at
9:43 PM
Monday, December 03, 2007
I know my blog is dead. Its like I'm start at a traffic light, with an eternal red light flashed before me. Thats how I would relate blogging to. Thakfully, finally rather, that light has just turned green. Maybe its the unfamiliar feeling restlessness, or the delight in being able to kindle again this source of emotional articulation. Nonetheless, this post is a reflection of the above two reasons.
Now let me introduce a new illness I discovered. I term it the 'Laticulation syndrome'. More commonly known as the lack of aritculation syndrome.
Sypmtoms include :
Inability to express inner thoughts cogently.
Lacking in words in response to provocation.
Sea of delocalised emotions which hinders flow of words. (Gee the CHEM is getting to me)
Spouting of GIBBERISH, which relates nothing towards the topic.
Use of fiery words, backed by an intense emotion, with little regard for emotional intelligence(sensitivity).
Anyone caught in this mixed up state please do find a cure or a solution to abate the symptoms. If not, I open upmy doors as senior researcher in the field of laticulation to potential candidates seeking to do a thesis on this chronic illness.
Geesh, I'm feeling so crappy tonight. Seeking some spiritual, mental and emotional anchorage.
A few issues that can bring such destabilisation. One of them, particularly pressing, seems to be a time-bombwaiting to be detonated.
TheHolySin redeemed you at
12:12 AM
Thursday, October 04, 2007
Just the other day while on my routine walk back home from the MRT, i noticed what looked like an ordinary scene.
A lady was standing by the drain and watching what i thought was a group of cats strolling slowly towards their pellet dinner. However as I made my way closer to the drain end, an unfamiliar sound echoed through the surroundings.
"Cluck cluck cluck! Cluck cluck cluck!" It should be obvious to you all now, but then it was like foie gras to an African child. I was utterly clueless. Only as i inched my way past an obstructing bush did i realise an oncoming death imminent.
Several cats, probably 5 of them, were on a savage trail behind the helpless rooster. Step by step they were gaining ground on the frigthened rooster. Each step they made was void of any sound, as they lowered their body, resembling the coiling up of a spring, ready to release that elastic energy in them to prounce on the confunded rooster. The scene looked exactly like a clip taken right out of discovery, only thing the cats were lions and the rooster a deer.
As the series of events unfolded before me, i was taken aback. I knew i had to do something about it, like run over the cats or something. But at the back of my head, i hesitated for I thought the lady was the owner of the rooster and maybe she was toying with her rooster. Or rather that was the excuse for my fear of being attacked by ruthless wild cats.
So i walked away... Taking 'courageous' looks back at the rooster after every 5 steps forward. I blame my indecisiveness, i blame my incompetency, but it wasn't enough to take the guilt of a life being taken away. Thankfully there wasn't any loud meow or cluck as i was cowering away, but that is pointless. A mere excuse to take away the denial in me.
The next day i made an effort to walk back the same way, this time towards the MRT. As I walked past ground zero, my heart raced as i scanned the whole area for blood stains or traces of chicken feather to confirm my suspicion. None was evident, but this time instead of feeling secured, a familiar uncertainty popped up in me. This time it was not to convince myself that the chicken was alive, but rather maybe it really met with a gruesome end. Just that the morning cleaners would have gotten rid of all traceable evidence.
Oh well, it was indeed an experience worth recounting. Just that it didn't end with a rather comfortable ending, because now i fear to eat chicken. For that very night, chicken meat was very much on the feline menu.
TheHolySin redeemed you at
9:45 PM
Wednesday, September 05, 2007
The nose feels like its going to drop off. Oh how nice that'll be. Not being able to smell anymore disgusting smells again, like the garbage bin in the canteen..
Oh I am so hooked to Mraz. But the dripping nose brings everything back into perspective :
I have revision to do, but my mind is just zonked out. I look at the trigo identities and all i can identify with is the background of the soft bedsheets that lie before me. But i cannot afford slip-ups. Dad is breathing down my neck, leaving little room for slackness. I got to push on; any mistake now would book my special ticket at the guillotine. Sometimes i wonder whether the system is breeding a new breed of students or an evolved method to parenting.
Washed out is the word. I wonder if there is any special portal to bring me to an oasis of reprieve. Release from all this crap stuff. I feel like taking all the glassware at home, stand in front of some secluded wall and smash all of it up. See the glass shatter into pieces, oh what mental release it'll be for me.
Lord take me up to you. Free me totally from the shackles that bind me. Replace it with your gentle, warm, securing embrace. Please. I really do need your intercession from all the stresses that continue to surround me. Maranatha, maranatha, maranatha.
Exams perpetually breed illness.
Thank you for all the care you've shown. (:
TheHolySin redeemed you at
10:32 PM
Tuesday, September 04, 2007
This year's Shine Jesus Shine rally was alright for me. Wasn't as powerful as the one last year though. I think it was the combination of the rain, wind and kneeling on the hard concrete that did it for me last year. Well, this year the kneeling became sitting, the rain ceased to fall, leaving only the gentle breeze to suffice.
Overall, i felt God's presence the most through the PNW, which i usually do - when i closed my eyes, or gazed into the illuminated cross which stood out among the dark sky. The culmination of God's presence must have been when "One Way" was sung out with much gusto.
Oh yes, and of course how can i forget the presence of my dear piggy, who was with me throughout the pleasant evening. I guess it was this event, that really brought us together in faith towards God, and yesterday was merely a homecoming of sorts. I have to admit that it did feel different to be there with piggy again, after all that has happened the past year. It felt specially different. Well, thats an understatement :P
Saw CHARMY there too. Hahaha. Didn't go and say hi but i guess the 'extented' glance is sufficient enough. Haha she looked DEGUSTED. Its not disgusted, if anyone should wonder.
Heh.. Should catch up with you some time soon man, if i get the chance to see you in church again or something :P Maybe this Saturday sounds like a plan. If i dont get caught in something else that is. If i do, then THANK YOU for everything in advance. Haha dont stress, the end is in sight..
Thats about most that's been happening.. Shit i feel myself succumbing to blogging about my day. Oh gee, maybe i'll do a little reflection later. I here my MOMMY calling out to me now. Her tone is getting sarcastic (as usual), better go before everything ends tonight.
TheHolySin redeemed you at
7:31 PM
Saturday, September 01, 2007
Oh yea i'm finally at this blogger page typing out my thoughts again ! Woohoo !
Last night was so heartwarming. Having those whom are so very close to me sit at the same table and sharing a light-hearted, laughter-filled meal. Yes, that includes my SISTER too. *Gasps. Interestingly enough, i didn't have the mood to be nasty and mean to her yesterday. Other than the initial part where i tried to get her butts off her chair and follow me to get some food.
So to my Mommy, Godma, Mr Ang and (Sister...) Big Thank You from me !
It could have been made slightly more complete, if there was another person. Haha I'm sure it ain't too difficult to guess. But it was a HALAL thing. So no PIGS !
Promos are in 3 weeks, Shine Jesus Shine is in 3 DAYS. Looking anxiously forward for the rally, but that'll mean 3 more days closer to promos. Hopefully by then I'll be powering forward with revision.
''Mother Teresa. So prominent a figure, yet so besieged her soul.'' (I can be a professional writer of headlines man) For more information, grab the latest copy of the TIME magazine at your nearest newstands.
So anyway, after reading that article, which by the way isn't entitled that but the content was similar, I was a little taken aback and shuddered at the fact that God existed in different ways to different people, even to the extent of malice and fear. In this case, Mother Teresa, a devoted nun who devoted much time to prayer, faced discouragement not by any other human, but by God. Or rather that was how she felt for most part of 50 years of her life.
She questioned God's existence and doubted her faith. There was even a point in time when she had a conversation with God and He outrightly put her down and ripped her faith in Him. This led to one of her letters saying that she could not trust God anymore, for the torture was unbearable. Nonetheless, she stood by her wavering beliefs and worshiped the God who made all things possible.
Mother Teresa is a beacon of hope in my opinion. It shows the very human-ness of her, and her resemblance to us, as we too struggle daily with our faith. Whatever it is. Because faith requires believing, and believing requires affirmation. Mother Teresa received little affirmation from God. However, she continued rationally with her work and spread the message of hope through her "Missionaries of Charity''.
I believe that God is always showing His love for us. Our very existence in Singapore is a testament to His affirmation to us. Giving us a protected environment to live and family to guide us. Mother Teresa showed us too that God is very present. Though she failed to experience Him in a point during her life, she continued to spread her love for the less fortunate in calcutta. She is God's presence to our world.
That is how I draw inspiration. We dont need affirmation to be faithful and holy. We, however, need to believe and stand firm to morality and goodness. Mother Teresa showed exactly what that is. Through her work, and through her life. -*
The above is just the product of my own personal reflection. There is no intention whatsoever of preaching or attempting to influence mindsets towards my religion.
Going to meet piggy now ! Woohoo ! To study that is.
*HIRING BLOG DESIGNERS! A MEAGRE PAY AWAITS! heh... (:
TheHolySin redeemed you at
11:00 AM
