God's presence to the World through ME :p

2008-01-20T22:45:00.000+08:00

I think i have a habit of blogging only when i feel troubled..

I feel really stuffed up. Lately i have trouble trying to be understanding and tolerate the things which i find destabilising to my sense of security. I think its the trust that is lacking in me. On one hand i tell myself that nothing will, and nothing can happen, because of all that we've been through together.. Maybe its not so much the trust towards you, but the trust for the people that surrounds you. Yes i understand that the trust between us is all that matters. But i am struggling to accept that.

And when things get so unstable between us, someone new has to pop into the picture. Then i start reconsidering the relationship between us. I know i need you alot, because you have always been there to make me happy. Been there to support me. You know my deepest secrets, you know my entire being.. But now its easier to give it up. I dont know how to explain this feeling, but if there was one word to use, that'll be replacement.

Its wrong, to give you up. I know it, cos that would mean giving up on the God that we both share. Maybe, just maybe if we can find the God that we shared before once more, then things will look up. I hope that is the case then. But to find God again is so difficult, because of the wavering state of my spiritual life.

You know everything seems to be going the wrong way.. I just need to find some direction. Something that can lead the way. Sometihng to give motivation, to encourage the continuity of normality. How about love? A measure of love..

Right now all i feel is grumpy gas. Hopefully sleep can take it away form me. Hopefully a short prayer can alleviate it. Hopefully you can take it away from me.

How do I be more understanding? How do I take on God's presence in my life?
Show me a sign Lord..

2008-01-14T21:43:00.000+08:00

Inside me is a mix of emotions. You want the best of a person, yet you know that the best for that person is something which you would have to give up. The part of you that has been so stregthening, so appeasing, so stable, so certain, so loving. You know you are selfish by holding on to this part, so you want to be sacrificing. To let that part go, hoping that it will come back one day. But maybe you dont want to sacrifice, because you know that your heart will be ripped up and torn into shreds.

Then maybe you should ask yourself why this is happening. Well there can be many reasons. It depends on what you have done. I am a child of God. I am very very proud of that. To be baptised, I can very firmly say is the most blessed thing in my life.That is why i want to live like how Jesus would. But because the past few days have been days of darkness. Of gloom, of doing things only to say to yourself, hey man you should not have done that. So you live in regret. Confused, dissapointed, not sure of what to do next. Because whatever you do would result in more hurt, more pain. So you choose to avoid everything altogether. But running away from the problem isn't the best solution in the long run..

So I pray. I turn to God again. I ask for forgiveness from the Lord. For being so detached, for sinning, for turning away. My shoulder shrugs. I turn inwards, i question myself, i question God. Why do such obstacles have to happen. Time and time again..

Why do I have to get so agitated so often. Why does my agitation affect you so much. I thought you could tell me, to stop it. Instead of turning the cold shoulder. But then again I am expecting too much. Maybe i should just stop feeling so agitated. To turn those negative energy into a sacrifice to God. Maybe that has been eluding me for so long. The Josephian spirit of being men for others.

I shall just try that.

Thank you SJI, once again for reminding me of the times where you educated me morally..

I know its too late, so I guess this is an experience that I will have to learn from. Memories of learning, or growth, of love..

Two steps behind...

2007-12-03T00:12:00.000+08:00

I know my blog is dead. Its like I'm start at a traffic light, with an eternal red light flashed before me. Thats how I would relate blogging to. Thakfully, finally rather, that light has just turned green. Maybe its the unfamiliar feeling restlessness, or the delight in being able to kindle again this source of emotional articulation. Nonetheless, this post is a reflection of the above two reasons.

Now let me introduce a new illness I discovered. I term it the 'Laticulation syndrome'. More commonly known as the lack of aritculation syndrome.

Sypmtoms include :

Inability to express inner thoughts cogently.

Lacking in words in response to provocation.

Sea of delocalised emotions which hinders flow of words. (Gee the CHEM is getting to me)

Spouting of GIBBERISH, which relates nothing towards the topic.

Use of fiery words, backed by an intense emotion, with little regard for emotional intelligence(sensitivity).

Anyone caught in this mixed up state please do find a cure or a solution to abate the symptoms. If not, I open upmy doors as senior researcher in the field of laticulation to potential candidates seeking to do a thesis on this chronic illness.

Geesh, I'm feeling so crappy tonight. Seeking some spiritual, mental and emotional anchorage.
A few issues that can bring such destabilisation. One of them, particularly pressing, seems to be a time-bombwaiting to be detonated.

2007-10-04T21:45:00.000+08:00

Just the other day while on my routine walk back home from the MRT, i noticed what looked like an ordinary scene.

A lady was standing by the drain and watching what i thought was a group of cats strolling slowly towards their pellet dinner. However as I made my way closer to the drain end, an unfamiliar sound echoed through the surroundings.

"Cluck cluck cluck! Cluck cluck cluck!" It should be obvious to you all now, but then it was like foie gras to an African child. I was utterly clueless. Only as i inched my way past an obstructing bush did i realise an oncoming death imminent.

Several cats, probably 5 of them, were on a savage trail behind the helpless rooster. Step by step they were gaining ground on the frigthened rooster. Each step they made was void of any sound, as they lowered their body, resembling the coiling up of a spring, ready to release that elastic energy in them to prounce on the confunded rooster. The scene looked exactly like a clip taken right out of discovery, only thing the cats were lions and the rooster a deer.

As the series of events unfolded before me, i was taken aback. I knew i had to do something about it, like run over the cats or something. But at the back of my head, i hesitated for I thought the lady was the owner of the rooster and maybe she was toying with her rooster. Or rather that was the excuse for my fear of being attacked by ruthless wild cats.

So i walked away... Taking 'courageous' looks back at the rooster after every 5 steps forward. I blame my indecisiveness, i blame my incompetency, but it wasn't enough to take the guilt of a life being taken away. Thankfully there wasn't any loud meow or cluck as i was cowering away, but that is pointless. A mere excuse to take away the denial in me.

The next day i made an effort to walk back the same way, this time towards the MRT. As I walked past ground zero, my heart raced as i scanned the whole area for blood stains or traces of chicken feather to confirm my suspicion. None was evident, but this time instead of feeling secured, a familiar uncertainty popped up in me. This time it was not to convince myself that the chicken was alive, but rather maybe it really met with a gruesome end. Just that the morning cleaners would have gotten rid of all traceable evidence.

Oh well, it was indeed an experience worth recounting. Just that it didn't end with a rather comfortable ending, because now i fear to eat chicken. For that very night, chicken meat was very much on the feline menu.

2007-09-05T22:32:00.000+08:00

The nose feels like its going to drop off. Oh how nice that'll be. Not being able to smell anymore disgusting smells again, like the garbage bin in the canteen..

Oh I am so hooked to Mraz. But the dripping nose brings everything back into perspective :

I have revision to do, but my mind is just zonked out. I look at the trigo identities and all i can identify with is the background of the soft bedsheets that lie before me. But i cannot afford slip-ups. Dad is breathing down my neck, leaving little room for slackness. I got to push on; any mistake now would book my special ticket at the guillotine. Sometimes i wonder whether the system is breeding a new breed of students or an evolved method to parenting.

Washed out is the word. I wonder if there is any special portal to bring me to an oasis of reprieve. Release from all this crap stuff. I feel like taking all the glassware at home, stand in front of some secluded wall and smash all of it up. See the glass shatter into pieces, oh what mental release it'll be for me.

Lord take me up to you. Free me totally from the shackles that bind me. Replace it with your gentle, warm, securing embrace. Please. I really do need your intercession from all the stresses that continue to surround me. Maranatha, maranatha, maranatha.

Exams perpetually breed illness.

Thank you for all the care you've shown. (:

2007-09-04T19:31:00.000+08:00

This year's Shine Jesus Shine rally was alright for me. Wasn't as powerful as the one last year though. I think it was the combination of the rain, wind and kneeling on the hard concrete that did it for me last year. Well, this year the kneeling became sitting, the rain ceased to fall, leaving only the gentle breeze to suffice.

Overall, i felt God's presence the most through the PNW, which i usually do - when i closed my eyes, or gazed into the illuminated cross which stood out among the dark sky. The culmination of God's presence must have been when "One Way" was sung out with much gusto.

Oh yes, and of course how can i forget the presence of my dear piggy, who was with me throughout the pleasant evening. I guess it was this event, that really brought us together in faith towards God, and yesterday was merely a homecoming of sorts. I have to admit that it did feel different to be there with piggy again, after all that has happened the past year. It felt specially different. Well, thats an understatement :P

Saw CHARMY there too. Hahaha. Didn't go and say hi but i guess the 'extented' glance is sufficient enough. Haha she looked DEGUSTED. Its not disgusted, if anyone should wonder.
Heh.. Should catch up with you some time soon man, if i get the chance to see you in church again or something :P Maybe this Saturday sounds like a plan. If i dont get caught in something else that is. If i do, then THANK YOU for everything in advance. Haha dont stress, the end is in sight..

Thats about most that's been happening.. Shit i feel myself succumbing to blogging about my day. Oh gee, maybe i'll do a little reflection later. I here my MOMMY calling out to me now. Her tone is getting sarcastic (as usual), better go before everything ends tonight.

2007-09-01T11:00:00.000+08:00

Oh yea i'm finally at this blogger page typing out my thoughts again ! Woohoo !

Last night was so heartwarming. Having those whom are so very close to me sit at the same table and sharing a light-hearted, laughter-filled meal. Yes, that includes my SISTER too. *Gasps. Interestingly enough, i didn't have the mood to be nasty and mean to her yesterday. Other than the initial part where i tried to get her butts off her chair and follow me to get some food.

So to my Mommy, Godma, Mr Ang and (Sister...) Big Thank You from me !

It could have been made slightly more complete, if there was another person. Haha I'm sure it ain't too difficult to guess. But it was a HALAL thing. So no PIGS !

Promos are in 3 weeks, Shine Jesus Shine is in 3 DAYS. Looking anxiously forward for the rally, but that'll mean 3 more days closer to promos. Hopefully by then I'll be powering forward with revision.

''Mother Teresa. So prominent a figure, yet so besieged her soul.'' (I can be a professional writer of headlines man) For more information, grab the latest copy of the TIME magazine at your nearest newstands.

So anyway, after reading that article, which by the way isn't entitled that but the content was similar, I was a little taken aback and shuddered at the fact that God existed in different ways to different people, even to the extent of malice and fear. In this case, Mother Teresa, a devoted nun who devoted much time to prayer, faced discouragement not by any other human, but by God. Or rather that was how she felt for most part of 50 years of her life.

She questioned God's existence and doubted her faith. There was even a point in time when she had a conversation with God and He outrightly put her down and ripped her faith in Him. This led to one of her letters saying that she could not trust God anymore, for the torture was unbearable. Nonetheless, she stood by her wavering beliefs and worshiped the God who made all things possible.

Mother Teresa is a beacon of hope in my opinion. It shows the very human-ness of her, and her resemblance to us, as we too struggle daily with our faith. Whatever it is. Because faith requires believing, and believing requires affirmation. Mother Teresa received little affirmation from God. However, she continued rationally with her work and spread the message of hope through her "Missionaries of Charity''.

I believe that God is always showing His love for us. Our very existence in Singapore is a testament to His affirmation to us. Giving us a protected environment to live and family to guide us. Mother Teresa showed us too that God is very present. Though she failed to experience Him in a point during her life, she continued to spread her love for the less fortunate in calcutta. She is God's presence to our world.

That is how I draw inspiration. We dont need affirmation to be faithful and holy. We, however, need to believe and stand firm to morality and goodness. Mother Teresa showed exactly what that is. Through her work, and through her life. -*

The above is just the product of my own personal reflection. There is no intention whatsoever of preaching or attempting to influence mindsets towards my religion.

Going to meet piggy now ! Woohoo ! To study that is.

*HIRING BLOG DESIGNERS! A MEAGRE PAY AWAITS! heh... (:

2007-08-09T22:37:00.000+08:00

I hate the night. Bad memories keep popping up lately. Memories i dont ever want to relive. Feeling of bleakness, tiredness, lonliness and emptiness. As the Sun's rays slowly dissipates, so too my strength. Then i rely on my Lord, who's promise of light for the way pushes me on.

When you cease all activity and ponder once more
All thoughts and emotions are directed to a specific agenda
You're staring into space
Hoping that your heart will re-capture that fondness

Being brought back abruptly by the voices of the family
Thereafter drowning yourself in work
Desiring that all problems will sort itself out on its own

When you cease all activity and ponder once more
All thoughts and emotions are directed to a specific agenda
One that commands such effort and reverance
Yet is so fragile in nature

That agenda -
Time

Nothing compares to the promise I have in You.

2007-08-08T23:29:00.000+08:00

Have you ever wondered it feels like to be left all alone ? When the night ticks away, only thing this time its you. Just you alone. Its been a long time, a really long time since I've felt this way.

The point is, I'm feeling like this now. Super emotional. Its like all signs of light has been taken away from you. I'm walking in a dark street, with the lamps all flickering and near extinguished. Downcast and weary, each step i take i have no fear cos' nothing can possibility get worst save for death. This is a familiar feeling, but now there is no one new out there who would walk into my life to comfort me. This time its not to be, as God has blessed me with his gift already. Somewhere deep down in me, I am wishing that a robber would attack me, slash me, render me incapable of doing anything, cos' thats how i want to feel like now.

Listening to praise and worship songs show me that God is dwelling in me. Closing my eyes as i raise my hands in worship of the Lord. As i get overwhelmed by the feeling of his presence, tears trickle down the side of my face from the closed eyelids. I'm not worthy at all, and i am not even worthy to raise my head in praise. Thoughts run wildly through my mind, as i get negative and even more downcast. The word 'why' becomes a common word at the start of each question that flashes in my head.

I know i shouldn't be feeling this way, as that would mean a lack of understanding. Maybe thats why i'm not going to call and wake you up. But the urge is too great. Maybe i'll succumb to it, maybe i won't. As you rest, i'm up pondering. Should i run away from the problem and just sleep it away ? I have the urge for that too, but I'm afraid that it'll supress the feeling and cause it to get worst even more.

All this crap above about my feelings is probably rather senseless to you all as you might not know where i'm coming from. But basically, if you do feel this way in anytime in your life, it just points to one thing:

You're longing deeply for something, but you're not sure whether you should go ahead with realising it.

It is the great gift of Your salvation, working with me.

2007-08-05T00:07:00.000+08:00

After one long, draining week, i am finally at the comfort of my bed and com, blogging.

If not for me having nothing else to do online, i wouldn't think i would be here blogging now. I guess piggy sleeping earlier than normal is the blogging fraternity's gain.

This week has used up alot of brain and heart strength, trying to cope with the demands of school work and my special relationship with piggy. I must say, that all the perseverance and persistance paid off. I guess the main reason for that is because the memories and hope for the presence of God showing Himself again is too big a portion of my pie to slice off.

-God
-Companionship
-Love

Promotional examinations are coming in less than 7 weeks, so i guess it's time to start the mugging spree.
---> 50% OFF from all other un-important activities
---> 25% REBATE for time lost during the past 8months
---> 10% DISCOUNT for all the lectures/tutorials missed

Getting into the ''Chiong study, fully focused" mindset : Net priced /-

Before i go off to the land of lala, just want to relect on a very important skill, or rather a useful ability, known as the willingness to learn. Lifelong learning is supposedly the mantra which the government has endorsed for us Singaporeans to adopt. How apt that is because what we know is never enough to answer the questions that continue to plague man over time.

When we're willing to learn, we become open, receptive and discerning towards new ideas and knowledge. It is a character trait that endears us to people. This is true because when we're open and receptive, we dont immediately close the door on the other person. We give them the chance to speak their mind, and we therefore build a common sense of understanding with the other party. This leads to other party feeling wanted, and feels his/her presence appreciated.

However, if we're to pass a judgement even before allowing ourselves the opportunity for growth, then we'll be forever stagnated at the same spot. Not only is that detrimental to ourself cos' we learn nothing, the other person feels scrutinised and irritated. The agonisingly painful feeling of being shut out and not listened to gets the other party all frustrated. In the end, just becos'of our unwillingness to learn due to whatever reasons we have, we irritate people and cause unpleasant relationships.

Even if views are differing, i guess the least we can do is be open to new ideas and not stifle our limited knowledge with pride and ignorance. The worst thing is to insist that we're right when all the facts are pointing the other way. Which leads to another point of the ability to admit our shortcomings or mistakes.

Humility is the word to summarise the reflection.

-The Piggy Prayer

2007-07-30T13:02:00.000+08:00

Pull yourself outta the hole

Quit complaining and digressing

It just gets you deeper

Take my hand

I’ll pull you out

Let you see the world

Give you hope and renewed vigour

And throw you back in where you belong –

The hole

-Disclaimer-*
The above is the product of pure bullshi& and the derangement of the human mind. Any resemblance to acclaimed speeches is purely coincidental. The proprietor of the above shall not bear any responsibility whatsoever in the event that it sparks off a mass debate on the issue of crapping bull-toot- (section 13: 23-10).

Clinging on to sanity-*

2007-07-29T20:24:00.000+08:00

I'm standing in front of a wall.

Trying tirelessly to climb over.

I get closer to the turn.

But i slip back down again.

I peer downwards and I see you pushing me back up.

I kick you away and slip further down.

I am stubborn because i am not ready, not ready to accept your help yet.

Confused, ill, deranged.

2007-07-29T01:14:00.000+08:00

Michael Buble - Everything lyrics

You're a falling star, You're the get away car.
You're the line in the sand when I go too far.
You're the swimming pool, on an August day.
And you're the perfect thing to say.

And you play you're coy, but it's kinda cute.
Ah, When you smile at me you know exactly what you do.
Baby don't pretend, that you don't know it's true.
Cause you can see it when I look at you.

And in this crazy life, and through these crazy times
It's you, it's you, You make me sing.
You're every line, you're every word, you're everything.

You're a carousel, you're a wishing well,
And you light me up, when you ring my bell.
You're a mystery, you're from outer space,
You're every minute of my everyday.

And I can't believe, that I'm your man,
And I get to kiss you baby just because I can.
Whatever comes our way, ah we'll see it through,
And you know that's what our love can do.

And in this crazy life, and through these crazy times
It's you, it's you, You make me sing
You're every line, you're every word, you're everything.

And in this crazy life, and through these crazy times
It's you, it's you, You make me sing.
You're every line, you're every word, you're everything.

You're every song, and I sing along.
'Cause you're my everything.
Yeah, yeah

- And these are the words that best sums up my feelings now -*

2007-07-08T11:04:00.000+08:00

Disappointed. Torn apart ? Well maybe. Looking forward to next meeting ? Just to collect what is owed to me. Thoughts about the future ? Bleak.

So what the four arms of the cross mean to me now ?

Study

School commitments Music
My personal development

Just when you hoped, it failed. Maybe its karma.
I dont trust anymore. Maybe thats too harsh.
But God please revive it.

2007-07-03T21:43:00.000+08:00

What the past few days has been ! Its been a SUPER blast ! Had a LOADFUL of funfunfun...

Started off with wedding at swiss'otel ! i think Chinese weddings are very predictable and atypical. If YOU're the kind that goes for cliche stuff like dry ice and normal traditions, then yea that was the place for you. You would've been DELIGHTED. Especially with the heart shaped shower gel imprinted with the bride and groom on it. Hahaha, i was more interested in the food that night :P Sorry to the bride and groom... I'm sure you two would've ENJOYED your first night officially together with no more shackles around the 'waist' area :P

Zoomed off to chalet and oh yea the night was SMOKIN'. Literally mann... The first thing when i walked into the room was a continuous sounding of laughter and a smell which kinda resembled that of the after effects of second-hand SMOKE. Urgh.. That was a big boo boo. Apart from that, the night was a super short one ! Before i knew it, it was already 6am. Must have been the pool, taboo, charades... Oh and the YFC meeting, hahaha that was spastic. But important nonetheless. Had MingYao carry me to the room. What a piggy back that was!

"Where do find all the kiam-siap people in the world?" Hahahaha...

After that went to piggy's place. Wow her house is damn nice ! There's this weird phenomenon where everything in her house come in 2s. But she refuses to admit that its for fengshui :P Breakfast was unique and different. Thats bout' all i'll say other than it was a meaningful one (: Alright i said it...(Pride swallowed, ego suppressed) Hahaha.

Met her mommy and godma whom really are nice people to be with. Never fail to make you feel comfortable and at ease with yourself. Hmmm... Other than those, the rest of monday was filled with OreOs... Look at how OreO is spelled :P HAHA !

Got back my chinese paper today and my oh my was i taken aback ! i got 57 ! Upon 100 ! So its a PASS. I was quite surprised with it. A sudden inspiration felt on that day, and a mark worth popping the champaigne.

A rather mindless post today, Oh if i have the energy to, i MIGHT upload a video clip :P Its on what to avoid when COOKING BREAKFAST. (:

A prayer for the piggies is in construction.

Hope, confidence, destiny.

2007-07-01T00:34:00.000+08:00

Today was kinda heartwarming. The past 2 days actually. In the sense that i've gotten to catch up on quite a number of people that i wasn't in touch for quite some time.

Yesterday night, while i was getting into the mood of the newspaper, my long time friend James called me. Wow was i damn suprised. Actually, he has been trying rather hard to get me out one of these days to catch up, but i just cannot find the time to do so. So sorry man James. But anyway, the half an hour or so of chatting up really made me feel connected with the past again. Nostalgia set in and wham ! All the unforgettable memories surged through that weary exam-drained brain.

Thinking along the same lines, i am really thankful that Mr Ang has not stopped our monthly legion gatherings for the ANCIENTS. Hahaha. Sounds weird calling myself THAT now. For all the effort he puts in to organise such meetings to keep us in touch through celebrating an important day in each of our lives. Mr ang : THANK YOU loads for your unwavering persistance and effort. Though you are halfway around the world, i want to acknowledge YOU on this very blog of mine (: Hope you're having fun with the caucasian women yea ? Hahaha. Go easy on them :P Dont scare them with your prowess ! Ooolala..

Bet you all think Mr Ang is some chic magnet :P Haha well, he IS.

Alrights on a serious note, today my uncle officially got my feather ruffled. He compared priests to stars like Beckam and Michael Jackson. I was super frustrated on the inside, but cant say anything cos' that'll mean a personal war on RELIGION with him.

So what he was saying was that priests, like those stars, are like people whom we idolise. There is 2 things grossly wrong about that.
1. Idolising a man goes against the first commandment in effect already. Do not have other Gods except the Lord your God.
2. Idolising them also means that we treat them with a different kind of respect.

Priests are men of wisdom and knowledge about the Church's doctrine. They represent the presence of Christ during the Eucharist, leading us to a deeper and closer relationship with God. Though they are in their robes, they are still one of us. One in the journey towards eternal life. I will always remember the time during the sec4 rme retreat, when i had a hearty talk with a priest during my period of reconcilliation. He told me about his struggles with life and told me to always have faith in the Lord for He will make our paths straight.

After all the strong experiences I've had with religious men and women, such comments WILL piss me off. But what can i do if he is so adamant on thinking that way ? After all, we each have our own inidividual set of beliefs. Plus, i dont wanna jeapordise the relationship with him. Btw, i think he's 1 dollar shades are SIZZLING.

All in all, just keep building each of our principles and personality, most importantly in the way that it should be. For those with religion, in the image of God. For those believing in no God, then in the way your role-model is.

Thats about it, got a wedding at the swissotel' tomorrow ! Gonna be super fun ! Cant wait for the cocktail reception man. It'll be interesting. Chalet too man. Alrights, gonna hit the shack now, gotta reserve those energy packs for tomorrow.

o fpmy esmy yjod. niy o'br hpy mp vjpovr. nights.

2007-06-26T21:30:00.000+08:00

Its so hard to let go. Its so hard to say goodbye.
Holding eeyore beside me just reminds me of the times. Times when it seemed oh so special.
Now it still is, but fragile it seems.
One day it may be part of memories.
Presently as it it is, there is a hope.
A flickering hope, far into the night.

Maybe its a good time to stop emo-ing, but not doing so would harden my heart.

Oh Lord, do what you do best.
Take this cup away from me. I pray, I hope, I believe.

I'm lying alone with my head on the phone
Thinking of you till it hurts
I know you hurt too, but what else can we do?
Tormented and torn apart, far away we appear to be.

I wish I could carry your smile in my heart
For times when my life seems so low
It would make me believe what tomorrow could bring
When today doesn't really know, doesn't really know

I'm all out of love, I'm so lost without you
I know you were right, believing for so long
I'm all out of love, what am I without you?
I can't be too late to say that I was so wrong

I want you to come back and carry me home
Away from these long lonely nights
I'm reaching for you, are you feeling it too?
Does the feeling seem oh so right?

What would you say, if I called on you now
Saying that I can't hold on
There's no easy way, it gets harder each day
Please love me or I'll be gone... I'll be gone

If dependency can be translated into positive hope.

2007-06-22T00:22:00.000+08:00

When the going gets tough, the tough gets going. Personal quote for the day. Lets talk about this personal fear of mine. To readers of Draco house, hopefully this'll allow you to know me a little deeper. (:

When the next house meeting comes, i would have to stand in front of the entire house to lead them forward. The previous house comm has departed, and we have the reins.. Oh yes, but just as I think it'll be one helluva fun ride, oh wells there is something in the way.

The fear of being passed off as incapable, unconvincing and a total wash out is quite a worry i must say. Haha its back to what i do best, overthinking. Standing in front of an audience and having to put off my views, thoughts and ways to progress is rather daunting. Put me in front of a mirror in a room where there isnt anyone is simple stuff. But once out there, its a whole different ball game altogether. I gotta be mindful of my posture(remember Moses taught me that), expression and words.

I guess what piggy said is rather true. Confidence is what it takes. How i wish my audience was the legion. How much simpler it'll become. But i guess the real learning hapens when you push yourself out of your comfort zone. This time, there will be only one thing on my mind. CONFIDENCE. Gonna forget all the technicalites and aim straight for putting across myself in the most confident but not arrogant way. Yea !

Nothing really much to blog about already, except that i think the BULLSEYE game on neopets is damn addictive. Hahaha ! Was playing it with my sis and i got OWNED by her.. Oh wells, whoever said guys are more visually spacial..

A blossoming relationship (:

2007-06-20T00:48:00.000+08:00

What a day today was. I guess there is nothing much for me to reflect in general. just alot of personal stuff that happened...

Today was amazing ! morning went to "national library", then chionged to meet piggy. We started to play with stickers and tsktsk...Some people..no skill in the art of putting stickers secretly :P Hmmm the time with piggy flew by AS USUAL, mugged abit and for those who looove mars bars.. MUST try the FRIED marsbars at chippy's ! Too bad we didnt have it with ice cream, cos its damnn gooood...

I hate it when mood swings happen. Its just like after one specific incident, then my mood will change drastically. My attitude then would get rather intimidating, and its a quite an ordeal i must say for people who are in proximity. I guess i gotta learn to stop being so stubborn and refusing to lighten up.

Saying GOODBYEE. Ohmygosh ! Someone please teach me how to say it. Especially after such a GREAT day with a special person. Its almost like kissing a million bucks away. Muacks! and poof! there goes your happiness(not that money will make a person SUPER happy). Its exactly the same, where after the final words are said, the spiritedness of your soul is exhausted.

There is also another thing about me thats quite sadddening to admit. I think i am a rather wishy washy person who is afraid of making firm decisions. I guess its comes to the fact that i am not able to handle the consequences that come along with my decision. So i tend to make half-baked decisions which more often than not, get me into hot soup. Mr Ang once said that i tend to sit on things. Not good not good.. Gotta learn to bite the bullet and stand by my actions.

Another reason why i tend to be wishy washy is cos i am afraid to disappoint people. Its this second nature about me that if i can make EVERYONE happy all my life, i will gladly do it at my own expense. I guess its not good cos' one; i am marginalising myself, and two; no one can have their cake and eat it. At the end of the day, some might be even more hurt. Not sure whether you all might understand, but i guess we can never make everyone happy. At some point in time, we have to learn how to hurt in an apologetic manner.

Thats about it for today, its the books that is gonna take centre stage for the umpteenth time.

Places you'll never see, doors you'll never touch, but of which i'm taking you to.
A satisfying 9 (:

2007-06-19T01:36:00.000+08:00

Its been a LOOONG time since i last blogged. So here i am ! Again blogging. But as you all know, i dont really blogabout my life, so let me relate this incident that happened just awhile ago when i was watching the television.

Ever heard of the show 'Beauty and the Geek' ? Yea, so its a reality tv programme that links bimbo apparents withsuper geeky men. Some who are damn sick with a PERFECT SAT SCORE. So yea, its reality tv at its fullest creativity.Well so i think.

Haha so anyway, back to the reflection. One of the lady in the show made an insightful comment that'll quell the doubts you'll ever have of her as a bimbo. Her partner quoted her as saying "After joining the show, i have learntnot to doubt the personality of any individual untill i have given him/her the chance to reveal their true self. Even then, i believe that underneath everyone, lies a nice, warm fuzzy personality."

I heard that, paused for a moment, and this is what came out of it :

Every single one of us i believe deserves a chance to be understood. After all, the need to be understood is the number 1 human need. When we are understood by someone else, it is this solidarity that results which grants thefeeling of acceptance. How simple this feeling. Yet it is disappearing so soon. Just today on the news, there wasa report where a teenage girl was hurtfully abused on the net by her classmates. Seeing her MOTHER beg on nationaltelevision for more aid to stop such stuff from happening is agonising.

Therefore i guess each person needs an avenue where he/she can let out the thoughts and feelings stuffed up inside. I guess thats how blogs and stuff spurned up too. Its bad and unhealthy when it gets too much to bear. Your whole soul just feels weary, and you lose sleep. LOTS of good sleep. Once a special person once told me that there are different levels of sleep. I guess youll be stuck at level 1; i.e eyes closed, body not moving, but yourmind is fully conscious and awake.

Thus bringing me to my point, *I am so long-winded. HAHA* an avenue to let out the feelings inside is friends. Its quite painful that some people immediately place a judgement on those whom they meet just by a few mere actions.And their opinions is formed just bascially on that isolated incident. I guess thats what they say as the firstimpression counts. Connecting this back to what the lady said, i too have this firm belief that through the shitand bastard acts, lie an untouched and innocent person. Everyone deserves acceptance, everyone deserves to be trusted. Well at least ONCE.

Trust, this loving and yearning heart that builds a light-hearted environment. At the same time, be open-hearted. Cos' trust may be betrayed. But better to trust than never trust at all.

Trust is like opening an unlocked door. Inside may lie the most fruitful and rich experiences, but it may also lie the darkest hurt and deception.

When you feel neglected and alone, where no one around you is able to empathise with you, heads up and hold on toyour values. Cos' that is what God has personally bequethed upon you.

We'll stand whatever comes our way. Just keep holding on to love (:

2007-04-21T01:37:00.000+08:00

It is very depressing to know that the colours are fading away. Maybe i havn't done enough. Maybe its intuitive of me to over-react and be so anal about the small and knitty-gritty stuff. Its very frustrating to know that I am the cause of all the continuous and unabating problems. Just when I feel that some headway and improvements have been breached, then the whole cycle of anger and grumpy-ness begins. Just what can i do to break free of this cycle ?

I know some of you might walk out on me now and condemn me to immaturity and over-sensitivity. But do you all know that it is a whirlwind of emotions inside the little man's heart and mind ? I hope to justify it one day by proving that these emotions are all worth the energy spent, however i doubt it will come anytime in the near future.

As long as my inaptness in dealing with the emotions continues to pervade in me, i doubt that day would ever approach. How then you all might ask that i deal with it ? Chucking it aside is an option, but avoidance isn't the key to a successful solution. Approach it head-on and slug it out with the very human and thus painful emotions ? You know, i dont really know the answer myself. All i do know is keeping it inside would do the most damage to my mental stability.

One thing I do know is that God will forever be my guide and strength. Strength to handle the emotions, guidance to see me through the pain, and love to patch the wounded heart. Having that person to be God's presence in my life is the most wonderful feeling one can ever experience. To experience God's physical manifestation in a fellow human being is subtle yet powerful. Losing that feeling temporarily can be difficult to bear, but a necessary test of faithfullness towards God and towards that person.

Lord, all I long for is comfort to smoothen the rough patches of emotional emptiness and neglect. I know that you make things happen to me for a definate reason. Grant me patience to see through the hardship and that I might one day bask in the fullness of your human love. Only if that is what you will.

Stop the suppression. Embrace acknowledgement and patience.

2007-04-19T23:46:00.000+08:00

Hello (:

Over the past one month since i last posted, i know i have infuriated some with my erratic posts. BUT, rest assured that i WILL NOT let this blog die :P

Want to know why ?
- Cos' I NEED to improve on omy linguistic ability !

Alright that said, hold on firmly as Jason's next post is coming out soon (:

Loads and loads of stuff has happened in just a month. But regardless of that, the desire and drive is still strong. Hold in there for it'll be driven to max gear !

Nights to my ONE and all... (:

2007-03-12T00:25:00.000+08:00

Wow this past 3 days has been super hectic. Running around here and there. Exasperated now...

Anyway, shall just blog bout' what happened today.

So i went to Terry's house for bbq. It was quite the bomb' ! Bbq, suan Ian, play taitee, dunk Ms Wong and Wei2 (Sorry for scratching you), roast marshmallows!, eat beehoon, stingray, satay !, etc.. There was alot of things that happened.

Quite spoiler cos' i had to deal with some family problem right smack in the middle of the bbq, resulting in me getting down and OUT. If only i had brought my handphone along Thankfully piggy was there for me listening unabatedly. You know i was reading somewhere today, that listening is the best form of being there for a person. When you listen, you allow the person to know more about themself. So its a terrific form of goodwill.

"Listen not only for content, but intent."

Heard that somewhere la...Must say its quite true yea ?

So many times when we listen, we tune into what the person is saying, and we just pass a comment in return. But is there a hidden reason as to why that person was talking about that topic ? Maybe he/she was trying to convey a particular mood. Have you tuned in to the mood ? If so, then you'll understand what i am trying to say. Cos' many times we wont outrightly tell you that something is wrong. Maybe that's just me, but i hope that we'll try to look deeper into the surface of conversations and be sensitive to those that require certain emotional strength.

Alright if you didnt know what i was trying to say in the above paragraph, then never mind (:

Anyway, feeling abit taxed out now, physically and mentally. Cos' of the busy-ness that i'll be put through in the march HOLIDAYS. Moreover, i have to study for the numerous tests that are coming my way. Plus my neck is kinda strained now. Not sure why though, but its hindering my mobility and comfort level.
Alright man, gonna hit the shack now. Got to go meet piggy tomorrow ! Whoopie ! I sense a big big hug coming :P Hopefully man... After that have house nom meeting, then its back home to STUDY ! WOOH ! I hope...

Term 2 is going to fly by quickly ! And yes, Switzerland and Germany is coming by too ! Chin hao, brace yourself ! Cos' you're ROOMING with me ! :P
O-U-T !

2007-03-06T00:11:00.000+08:00

The day has been much better than anticipated ! Of course the evening was as usual, as good as ever, but what made me feel accomplished was the turnout throughout the morning and afternoon.
I woke up this morning feeling rather sluggish, the monday blues pulling me back under the lushness of my blanket.

But doing so would result in the shirking of the commitments that i have made to the school.

Anyway, glad i went down for sports heats. At least i can say that i have thrown a shotputt in a COMPETITIVE event. HAHA yes for those wondering, i didnt make the cut-off mark for top8. Never expected to anyway :P

Ever felt a strong temptation to skip a training and go somewhere else more enjoyable and comfortable for you ? Yea i felt exactly that way today. Wanted to pon ogl training to go and catch a movie with mi' classmates. Thankfully everything fell into place just so aptly. Heats finished at 1030 so leaving me with one hour and virtually no other alternative but to attend ogl training. It wasnt that bad after all.. (: Praise the Lord !

Tired already..Gonna play some real competitive soccer tomorrow. Hope i am able to stand to the test man.. Apparently their all serious players. Going there to have some serious fun. Before evening comes and my 'drug' addiction craving would be satisfied ! HAHA sounds wrong, but it isn't. On the contrary, its delightful (:

Smooth out Singapore, take this two cents worth of comments :

" Just when you think no one is watching, notice that someone is right beside you making his presence felt. "

I Love You.

Overrated ? I beg to differ...Love varies...

For me, it holds. (:

2007-02-20T00:23:00.000+08:00

Happy new year to one and all (:
Sorry but really finding it difficult to blog these days...Many many sorries...
Alright feeling abit emo-istic now, so here goes...

When the night has comeAnd the land is darkAnd the moon is the only light we'll seeNo I won't be afraid, no I won't be afraidJust as long as you stand, stand by me
And darlin', darlin', stand by me, oh now now stand by meStand by me, stand by me

If the sky that we look uponShould tumble and fallAnd the mountains should crumble to the seaI won't cry, I won't cry, no I won't shed a tearJust as long as you stand, stand by me
And darlin', darlin', stand by me, oh stand by meStand by me, stand by me, stand by me-e, yeah

Whenever you're in trouble won't you stand by me, oh now now stand by meOh stand by me, stand by me, stand by me

Darlin', darlin', stand by me-e, stand by meOh stand by me, stand by me, stand by me

Hey, i hope you are standing by me. I really do hope so..
Words tell only part of the story.
Actions speak otherwise.

Dont really know how to elaborate, but all i hope to receive is grace and understanding.
Yes, and LOTS of patience and perseverence.

This prayer is for us.
'Lord you are our basis of security. Let it be so. Free us, me especially, from temporal longings.Which are always so hurting. Bring us closer to you.Stand by us.This we ask in your name.'

*The emo bug is getting to me..

2007-02-05T23:01:00.000+08:00

As i get busy, as the world accelerates with Me caught right in the axis of rotation, how am I to continue ?

Overwhelmed, under-loved, over-prioritising, where is my focal point of strength ?

As i let time take control, my effectiveness is undermined.

Nothing to hold onto.

Nothing to grant reprieve.

Hoping, believing, affirming...

(realise the shortened length of my post ? HAHA too busy man...Feeling drained OUT !)

2007-01-15T22:56:00.000+08:00

I think my life is in such a screwed up state now. But shant bitch bout it. Instead i shall look at it introspectively, objectively, and follow what my heart points me towards.

So i have a friend from SJI who really wants to remain in contact. He has been initiating lots of outings but i just cannot seem to slot in the time to accomodate him. Accomodate shouldnt be the word since it sounds as if i am obliged towards him, which i definately ain't. Probably i value this friendship ALOT cos' of the common background that we both share. That said, i feel really dissapointed with myself that i am not able to keep in much contact with him because of MY busy schedule. SHIITY feeling don't you all reckon ?

So i guess what my heart is pointing towards is rekindling of the friendship. To do that requires discipline and sacrifice. Will i continue to procrastinate and lose a really good friend, or undertake the action of reconciliation ? Only time will tell... Lets hope it is for the better.

Studies of mine is also really shaky. Not that i am putting it off and not doing my work, but rather the content is very hard to absorb, and it gets on my F-ing nerves when i crack my head and still cant solve the question. CHEMISTRY is the culprit. I wonder if you all get the agitated feeling which pierces your whole gut and cause great anxiety and stress subsequently. That to put in words, is an understatement of the feeling.

The heart pointer is now pointing towards perseverence. Sounds easy right ? Wait till the agitation and impatience sets in. Whole different ball game then. Keep striving says Mr. Heart and you will get there. (:

The final issue that is wretching my life up is my stubborness, pride and frustration towards a certain significant person in my life. I feel that it is more of self-inflicting pain due to the above traits of stubborness and pride. I love to wallow in self-pity. That's bad. Glad things are more or less settled after having a chat and farting all the bad gas out. I guess all i needed was some support.

Heart pointer : GROW UP. Childish immature behaviour should be left to preschool years. You're going on seventeen already Bitc# ! Learnt to put aside those traits and encompass those that would help RESOLVE rather than INITIATE more conflict.

Later only did i realise that the conflict in fact was really small, in fact it was easily settled. I guess humans make things so complicated and difficult to resolve when the answer is staring right in front of our faces. What an irony.

I am not going to let you down. Just so you'll know.

Oh yea, VJC is da' BOMB !

2007-01-01T01:37:00.000+08:00

Finally i am back home ! WOOH ! What a trip this was to London. Though it accomplished one thing on my wishlist, my oh my was it one hell of a trip ! Ups and downs were a plentiful, but it certainly was the right brew for a memorable holiday ! Our first to Europe...

I dont think i am going to blog anymore about what had happened over in London, cos' i think my previous posts might have gave you all a gist of the happenings on the cold and wet British Island.

Just wanna share with you all about my flight back home to Singapore just now. While we were over the sea, the plane started to experience some serious turbulence. I could see the plane tilt left, then right, then left again very VIOLENTLY. It'll suddenly plummet, then rise again, then plummet again ! I tell you, my heart was racing like crap !

Just then, my sis, of all people somemore, told me to bite onto my miraculous medal in hope that Mother Mary will help ease my suffering. Man, was i taken aback by her statement.

I realised how much i have wanted to rely on myself at that moment. Hoping that by clutching the seat and squeezing my toes, would the turbulence have a lesser effect on me. While in fact, right at that moment, only someone more immaculate, the omnipotent, could help tame the raging winds. That person is none other than God. Mother Mary would help intercede, but i was too caught up with myself that i forgotten Him.

Just for thoughts : How many times have we tried to be independent, thinking that we can achieve anything by ourselves ? Have we forgotten that it is He who plans out everything and fufills whatever we have ?

In my opinion, and i am sorry if i have offended anyone thus far, always keep in mind our priorities, know that He is there, and go to Him for help. Stop being stubborn ! He is knocking, open that hardened door for your fufillment in Him.

Ask and you shall receive, seek and you shall find, knock and the door shall be open unto you.

Cast aside the pride and jealousy, embrace love and trust for that is what He wills.

2006-12-30T04:11:00.000+08:00

I was reflecting today about self-control especially during shopping, how we or rather my family can splash their money not say after several times of browsing but after just a few glances. Just now we were at this shopping place at Oxford Street, Godsis initially wanted to see swarovski stuff so then all of us followed her. My mommy saw this elegant swarovski watch and since it was on sale, her eyes glittered on the spot. After trying it on, voila ! its on the paid list. -.-

I really wonder how we can bring ourselves to splurge like that. Maybe its the holiday feeling, where you think that you may not find the exact same piece in SIngapore, or maybe it was on sale. I guess my mommy fell to the sales gimmick. Nonetheless, why is it so easy to kiss our hard earned money goodbye ? What happened to the virtue of thriftiness? Saving for a rainy day ?

I think it really boils down to self-control, telling yourself that you are and will control your finances. Despite the great urges of wanting to possess that specific item. The temptation of parting with our money to buy that worthwhile item is just overwheliming. More so if you think that the quality and price of the item is worth the buy. Unfortunately, there are times too that you buy things in a haste, and only realise you got less than what you paid for afterwards. Those moments come when you are desperate for that specific type of item.

For instance, previously i wanted to get myself a new pair of shoes. Hunted high and low, to no avail. Desperate to keep my pride that i WILL get a new pair of shoes, i turned stubborn and picked up a pair of shoes that was not really a good buy. There you go, no self-control to keep those precious money inside my wallet. Plus, the money isnt earned by myself. How in the world am i able to part with that amount of money which is not earned by me, just to fufill my egoistic nature ? Some thought to ponder over..

Of course, if you really took pains to earn yourself your OWN money, then i guess it is justifiable ONCE IN A WHILE to pamper youself by lavishing in those goods that are WORTH it. As long as we dont forget that we too need to save up some money that we might never know what we need for, and spend within our means, then i guess it is probably alright. Always do it in MODERATION alright ? Hahaha. Shopping is bad once you start over-spending. tsk tsk.

Talking bout it, i bought myself a Burberry polo tee just now. I think it looked really good. Plus it was on sale ! WOOH ! One tee to reward myself for all the walking we did today.

The whole day was practically shopping. -.- Other than the fear of heights, i FEAR shopping ! Its quite dumb, walking around browsing through stuff. B-O-R-I-N-G. Maybe add in a few eye candies for me to feast upon, then maybe its not so bad. Heh :P The previous sentence wasnt for piggy's eyes !

My godsis has this Hermes back which i think is really beautiful! Shes a banker. Now i am starting to think that maybe i should be a banker after all. But if its for the money, then i guess maybe not la. I rather do something i like, and earn the MONEY too !

C'mon Jason ! Nonono, be less materialistic, STOP thinking so much about the money. Think more about the other things in life that is soooo much more important. LOVE, CHARITY, LIFE, GOODNESS.... So many other things...

HAHA i think the only thing that will stop my materialistic, money-centred self is through CONTAINTMENT. I need some source of containtment. OH, i just thought of one.

My Father.

I think i would have to learn from him to be more thrifty and spend wisely and practically. Thats the thing which i find worthy of role-modelling.

Alright thats enough for tonight, gonna go for a Turkish meal now ! Yum Yum !

I saw a british woman, HOT one at that, checking me out man ! i was standing and waiting for my mommy to finish getting some accesories for sis, and i noticed her eyes kept moving onto me ! HAHA ! I didnt take a second look !

Look at my faithfullness and solidarity man ! Oh but i think they've got cute butts ! :P

2006-12-28T04:04:00.000+08:00

As promised, i would blog about what happened in London the past few days. I think it was just awesome.

While walking the dog round Finchley road, the dog leash broke free after moca saw something interesting and tugged himself free ! My mommy's heart stopped pounding for a moment while moca started taking off. After some major coaxing and persuading, moca finally relented and we managed to re-leash him.

After comforting my mommy and some refreshment, we headed to picadilly circus to go shop. First stop, Virgin superstore. My was it an eye-opener! Went to the poster section to get Star Wars posters for Ryan and took the opportunity to browse through their ccollection. Beer, naked women, obscenities and content you would never find in Singapore took centre stage. What an attraction ! Wooh ! Got myself a few posters in the process :P

Headed then down to GAP LONDON ! 3 full stories of clothewear ! I was in awe at what they could offer. I think the stuff that was there greatly contrasts to what is available in Gap Singapore. Took a stroll in there and came out with 2 tops and a cargo pants. Really nice in my opinion, though my opinions are highly controversial. :P Headed next to Burger King and one thing about it here in London, the FRIES ! D-E-L-I-C-I-O-U-S ! Crispy on the outside, soft on the inside.

Another thing that struck me is the amount of PDA in London. When i was underground waiting for the tube, there was this couple who were rubbing noses with each other ! I thought that waas rather interesting and amusing. Little did I know that aboard the tube, more PDA could be observed. Hugs, Frenches and leg rubbing can be seen at the corner of my eye. Sorry la but i cant bring myself to stare at them. Heh. (:

Stopped at Leceister Square underground and navigated our way to Soho square, better knwon as Chinatown. I tell you man, without me, my godma, sis and mommy would be lost in the alleyways of London. The first thing i said when we reached Soho was 'Wow, our home away from home.' The amount of chinese congregating around was breathtaking ! Everywhere you turned, you see cheena people. Those people looked really cheena cheena, their faces differed from the normal Singaporean 'kiam pak' faces :P

Took the Thames river cruise, went ice-skating, and oh yea i must comment on the British men and how their operate in the toilet. I was about to go do some business networking in the toilet and my oh my, their aiming is kinda screwed up :P Moreover, not sure whether they dont know how to use the flush or they are too lazy to pull the handle, can have the courtesy to leave their yellow stuff in the bowl. Yucks.

Took the London eye yesterday and i was FREAKED out. My balls shrank like sheash ! I was super hao-lian, went to the side of the carriage and looked down, only to have my heart plunge into my mouth. I found the ascend worst than the descend. Maybe i got accustomed to the heights by then, but one thing. My knees were wobbling throughout. Wishful thinking on my part to think that i got over the fear upon climbing the Great Wall. The view was surreal from right at the top. Will blog more bout my apparent fear of heights in another post.

Alright, not much mood to blog now. Just got scolded big time by my Dad for using the phone too long and blasting the bill sky-high. I guess my emotions got the better of my rational thinking.

Sigh, so much for a nice holiday. Moments of experience, lessons learnt, life changed, new year begins...

2006-12-27T00:49:00.000+08:00

I was just looking at who was online a minute ago, and John's nick' struck me down.

'People become stronger because they have memories they can't forget. That's called growth.'

Though i must say that people can get weaker because they have memories they cannot forget, i cannot agree more to the growth part. Memories means experiences. Times when we go through and live with certain events that are placed in front of us by God, to test us. Those times inevitable challenge us and helps us grow. Growth can come in the form of physical, mental, spiritual improvement. Of course, if we choose to look at it in a negative way, then instead of growing, we become weaker.

Though tests don't come or way everyday, when they do, i guess we got to respond in the right manner that fully exploits our growth potential.

For example, if we know that a new and important experience is going to be headed our way, one way of responding is by trembling with fear and anxiety. At the end of the day, we do not participate and engage ourselves fully. We shortchange ourselves in the process. On the other hand, if we are going to look at it with confidence, then i guess we are in a better position to tap what that experience might bring us.

Another example is when we hadd just undergone an unfortunate accident. Once over, we get depressed and fearful. We then go into a state of shock and uncertainty. Our outlook on certain things in life changes and we are fearful of putting ourselves at risk again. Yes that fear woud help us to prevent such an accident from occuring again, but if it is going to hinder us from a potential source of growth and an opportunity for the wound to be plastered, then i guess we fail to grow.

Ultimately, the ownus is on us to take a step back, look at the situation and decide what measure to take which will enable us to grow. If you really are lost, then ask yourself. "What would Jesus do in this sitiuation ?" And voila ! things will clear up a little bit.

The next step then is to put aside our stubborness and pride, do what must be done at the expense of 'face', and be faithful to that decision. If what we have chosen is the right thing, you can feel satisfaction, joy and relief that you did not choose the other path.

These times are moments where we allow God into our lives, bringing about a monumental shift in our moral and ethical aspects of living.

I want to elaborate a little bit more about what happened today in my time in London, but i guess i will save it for another time. (:

If i have bored you to tears, my humble apologies. (:

2006-12-25T23:51:00.000+08:00

this is soooo frustrating. sooo F-ING frustrating ! why why why !? why is Christmas here ssoo dull ? why is the Christmas here in London not as good as i expected it to be ? No family. No piggy. No activity. How much things change in just one day.

Yesterday was Christmas eve and i really had quite an enjoyable time at mass, then at home where we had French dinner and party. Mass was really good i felt. Homely, creative and special. The whole Eucharist was heart-warming. The type of mass that you would never get in Singapore, where it is really ritaulistic and Grand. Walked back home from church and the whole place was decroated to the nines. Even the dog was dressed up for the occasion with his bowtie. We popped crackers and had to wear hats throughout the 3 hour dinner. Thier form pf dinner is unlike the chinese way. Refreshments was served, including a form of caviar which was delightful especially with the champaign. Appetizer was good too; smoked salmon with white wine. Then came potatoes, spinach, mushrooms, and the min course; a french chicken dish. Excellent. We had cheese tasting afterwards. I must say that it is a rare opportunity that you would find hard to come by in Singapore. I could content with the brie and cheddar. Once the goat cheese came along, i couldnt stomach anymore. The last type, i forgotten the name, was just pungent. The smell lingered in my mouth for a really long time. The smell reminded me of garbage. Jean-freancois said that you are a true french if you could eat that last type of cheese. Dessert came along which was chocolate cheese cake eaten together with coffee ice cream of some sort from haggen daz. I didnt try the vanilla ice cream from ben and jerry's though. Oh yea, throughout the process, wine was served. My godma gulped down one glass a little too quickly and knocked out on the couch immediately. Damn funny la. I got drink yesterday too ! A little too much to drink i fancy. I guess i cant really hold my liquour cup well. Opened presents and really liked what everyone gave. My sis and I surprised my mommy with the gift we got her. `could see that she was really touched by our present. Slept soundly last night.

Godma left today for brussels to visit her in-laws. Alone with my mommy and sis in the house today. Christmas got downhill from there. Lazed around in bed today and wasted alot of time. Got quite guilty that i wasnt using my time wisely today. Decided to head to soho square to make up for lost time. Walked all the way to the tube and realised then that it was chained up. -.- Also donno why, but whatever my mommy does, it seemed to get on my nerves. I just feel so restless and lonesome on this cold, dark, depressing Christmas day. God help me ! Moreover, the fact that i have nothing to do, i just keep thinking of piggy and the whole Christmas festive mood is lost. :(

OH well, like what Mr Ang said, Christmas is the time when we rejoice for our salvation story has begun. We welcome Christ into our midst, where it is not about power, but LOVE that is the greatest. I am sure Christ doesnt will us to be sad and depressed especially after His birth. I shall just cheer up and cherish whatever i have left of this day, and make it a truly blessed and memorable Christmas. In its own right, it has been a different and memorable Christmas already.

I LOVE YOU ! you aint no bitch, i aint no bastard. :P

2006-12-24T17:55:00.000+08:00

HELLO ! Its 10 am london time and 6pm singapore time ! its really weird that i am about to have breakfast and all you people are gonna have dinner. PLUS its Christmas eve today ! Gonna go down to St. Paul's Cathedral later today to catch the choir sing Christmas carols ! Tonight its gonna be FRENCH dinner that my godsis' hubby is gonna whip up. OOLALA MAMASITA !

London is really a fantastic place to live in. The place where i am staying in now, which is my godsis, the view is just picturesque ! Pictures will come soon once i am back in Spore. The houses here are Victorian and its the kind of scene that you'll get in movies. Yesterday was at Notting Hill and remember that julia roberts movie 'Notting Hill' ? The houses there were even more eye-catching. Oh man i think i am addicted to the architecture here. But honestly speaking, its marvellous !

To top it up, the FOOD here is another haven to indulge in. There is a wide array of international food to delight yourself in. We had dinner yesterday at this Thai fusion restaurant and my oh my ! The spices mixed with the food amalgamated in a dish which will make the dullest man high ! The green curry was excellent i felt. After which we dropped my Godsis at Oxford circus to club and we went for a spin around East London. Tower bridge, London Eye, Tate Mordern Museum, British Museum, Big Ben, Parliament place, Westminister Abbey. It was like at 11 something at night and the lights were all swtiched on. The sight was even better than that you can find at Orchard road. Freaking COOL la ! Plus we were zooming around in a BMW with a mind-boggling acceleration !

There was this incident when we saw an OLD lady at the wheel driving a Porsrche Carrera and she was going F-ing* slow ! I saw a young punk sitting with her. He must be the gigalo ! My Godsis' french hubby sped past her and gave the *wtf* hand sign ! It was damn funny la ! I was super zonked out then but that incident perked me up straight away.

The bread here is also really really good ! Oh man i have got ALOT more to say bout' London, from their politeness, their heritage, their architecture. the nice cars (we drove past this long limousine yesterday, plus the ferraris), the filthy rich people and many many more !

Alright i think i am going to go get some London Macdonalds. Heard that its so much better than that in Singapore. The price tag is also very nice too ! -.- Alright catch you all later !

Hope that piggy is having a good time in JB. Really worried bout' her bad throat. tsk.

2006-12-20T00:08:00.000+08:00

I think the FOOD at lei Garden is just soooooo tantalisingly APPETIZING !

It's one of the places that a normal human being should visit before he/she dies...

Tired now, long day ahead tomorrow, time to hit the shack. (:

2006-12-18T23:36:00.000+08:00

My new year resolution : WORK FUC$ING HARD and get a job which pays me BIG BIG money. I hate it when i i am not able to get the things i want. I hate it when i am faced with a dillema to either go forward and spend, or do what is right, be thrifty and use that money elsewhere wiser.

Lord give me STRENGTH. AHHH i cant seem to be able to remain satisfied with anything. The more i get, the more i WANT ! Its frustrating all the time Lord, help me be CONTENTED. I lack contentment. In my egoistic and self-obsessed desire for more, i shortchange people.
I am confused Lord, i think the right and correct way forward is to be thrifty, but i am just not able to.. No motivation. Temptation is too hard to bear. Never Lord, never, have i resisted temptation and decide to not part with the money.

Be THRIFTY, less MATERIALISTIC, AWARE of your flaw. GROW you shall then...

AMEN.

Why is it that when it matters, i crumble ? How do i find strength ? I am afraid this flaw of mine will come back to haunt me in a bigger way in the future.

String of emotions wheezing in me...

2006-12-14T21:34:00.000+08:00

Christmas is just around the corner, and if it is one thing that i learnt today, it is the spirit of sharing. Many have said that Christmas is the time of giving, receiving etc, but i would rather it be a season of sharing.

Of course, receiving only is terribly wrong. That is being selfish through and through. On the other hand, i dont think just giving is appropriate for the season of Christmas. Christ was born ! That is the fundamental reason why we are celebrating Christmas. Therefore, it about receiving our saviour in the fullness of advent and preparation.

Thus, since we are receving the Lord when he comes, it is only proper, i believe, that that we learn how to receive with open arms the presents that other people have painstakingly prepared for us.

That was about receiving. Now for giving. I believe that to every situation, there are two sides to the story. The Christmas season, too, has two sides to it. That is of course the spirit of giving and receiving, culminating therefore, into the spirit of SHARING. When you give of a present, i see the show of love and respect for each other. In that moment, God is present. I see Him at that moment, when the exchange somehow sparks off a birth of a common understanding.

If you don't believe me, try giving a present to someone whom you have never really gotten to understand or appreciate before. Of course, it must be a heartfelt show of love and respect. At that moment when the gift is presented to him/her, our Lord is born in the form of the newfound bond. The joyous feeling surging in you thereafter further confirms the birth of the Lord between the two of you. Of course the Lord can only be present if both sides are open and respectful towards each other.

Moving on, i would like to blog about my apprehension at advancing into the JC stream. JC and secondary would be very different i guess. From teachers coming into class, into now having to proceed for lectures and tutorials. I am afraid i would not be able to adapt well into the system.

What about my grades then ?
What would happen if i take long to settle down?
Will my grades be affected ?
What if my career choices is whittled down because of that ?
How will my parents react to that ?

Another issue regarding proceeding into JC is the whole new environment that i would be placed in. For the first time in like 10 years, i will have to study with GIRLS. I hope they will not derail me from pursuing what really is most important, that is without doubt academic, moral and social development. I am also afraid that i will not be able to feel comfortable in VJC. At SJI, everything felt so easy and natural. I can move around the place with relative ease and comfort, knowing that i have friends there who would always be by my side. At VJC however, the environment is TOTALLY different. Apart from a few good SJI friends going there, i would not be familiar with the majority rest. I am really afraid that i would not be able to make new friends, resulting in my demise at VJC. It took me like one month plus to settle in SJI in sec1, cos' i knew practically no one in class. History, i guess is going to repeat itself. I hope things would work out for the better this time round. (:

I pray Lord that you will be my guide and strength when i am lonely and by myself, should your will be this way. Grant me the openess to respect and befriend those whom i have yet to know, and see your presence in them. Of course Lord, help me to be patient. You always want the best for me, and i pray that if things aren't going my way, that you will keep me patient and resilient to withstand the test. Grant me the ability Lord, to take things slowly too, for i often give in to my hastiness and sloppiness. Above all Lord, shower upon me Your graces, so that i will be the image that you have created me in, no one else. Just true to my myself. Amen.

*You are the reason for my improvement. Working hard so that things will work out to what the Lord wills. (:

2006-12-07T01:09:00.000+08:00

Today i went in to Johor Bahru ! My oh my, was it eventful.

At the Malaysian side of the customs, cos' my Dad ran out of embarkation cards to last us another trip into Malaysia, I ended up being the guinea pig to get more cards. This was the problem that compounded us. We couldn't find the station that was giving out the cards cos' it know longer was on the left hand side of the road. It shifted to another location somewhere unknown to us.

Once we located the obscure looking, beiged coloured booth, i had the challenging task of walking against the agressive traffic to get there. So i opened the car door, thankfully without any car zooming past. Walked past my Dad's car front, and literally CHIONGED to the platform right in the middle of the wide road which was where the booth was. Alls well ends well, so i got the cards and everything seem alright from then.

Went to have the usual Bak Kut Teh which i still think looks really tantalising and tastes delicious on that tongue of mine. Unfortunaetly, due to a reason also not known to me, I had no appetite. After lunch, we went to our usual joint to get 'some' dvds. The first shop we entered, we spent someting like 1 hour gathering the discs that we were going to get. For some issue relating to poor marketing skills, my dad decided not to get the dvds from them and
left everything behind. We left the shop empty handed. Walked down the whole stretch selling dvds and subsequently settled on the second store where we picked up our dvds. Nip Tuck is an extremely GOOD show. The plot is kind of not say predictable, but expected from a serial drama like it. Graphically extreme, so be cautioned.

Oh yea, i forgotten. When we parking at some hotel beside that shopping centre, the parking system went outta order and it couldnt spit out anymore tickets. Now i was really intrigued by that. Then we pressed the intercom button, and it too was spoilt ! Now what ese could get worse ? Well, when we were going through Singapore
customs that is. If you put a heat sensor next to me then, i think i would be really really RED. Cos' i was damn hot la ! As in because of my nervousness, i think it generated alot of heat ! :P I pretended to sleep ! Hahaha so that customs might think that the people in the car are innocent :)

Thats bout' everything that happened in JB, well the more striking ones that is.

Alright time for some reflection. These came up while waching Nip Tuck. Thats why its so nice. It creates scenarios where ethical issues are brought up. Moreover, the decisions that are to be made are not clear cut, cos' each brings about BOTH good and bad consequences. Thats why i say, we gotta really list down all the onsequences both good and bad, before making that important CHOICE whatever the situation might be.

Unfortunately, some of the consequences, we will never be able to foretell. For example, a pair of twins wanted to go for plastic surgery cos' they wanted to be different from each other, and not be recognised wrongly ever again.
They either had a choice to continue with impermenant measures like hair colour, tatoos, etc, or go for plastic surgery which is permanent. In the end, they decided to go for plastic surgery. After the gruelling procedure, they realised that it was better if they were one, similar, not two seperate entities.

Thats why, for those who are still reading on, and i thank you for reading on, we might not be able to predict certain consequences. That is why, sometimes, i guess we need to 'jaw jaw', clench our fists, grit our teeth, and LIVE with the decision that we have made. No one said it was easy, but whats a religion for ? Pray and ask for strength (: I am sure you would be able to receive them. If you do not believe in any religion, what are friends for? Seek help from them, and if they are true friends, you can count on them to be your pillar of support and HOPE !

Golf game tomorrow afternoon, then i hope i can make it down to chalet and join the sec 4s...Wanna really spend some good time with them ! (: (: (:

I need some relief from my blues...

2006-12-05T23:49:00.000+08:00

Today was another fantastic day in the diary of Jason Sin's holiday.

Got off in the afternoon to parkway to meet piggy and hang out a little
before buying groceries for the chalet occupants. It cost me 21 bucks!
Plus i dont think i am gonna expect any returns. But oh well, despite
grumbling over the magnitude of the bill, deep down that 21 bucks isnt
enough to repay the WONDERFUL memories i had shared with them.

Its such a pity though, that i cannot be with them throughout the whole
course of the chalet.

Being with the sec 4s just now made me feel the great impact that they
and the rest have made in my life. When i really start to cherish the
moments spent together and hope for more to come, time starts to gobble
the chances away. But then i guess its up to me to keep those ties
binded, and do my bid to keep in touch with them. Time will always
continue to go by, we may be apart from time to come, but the ties that
were forged will remain always intact.

Then i guess its up to me, myself and I to put things in order when
we are no longer in the same school. Not forgetting the combined
effort to try to keep our friendship alive.

Its been a great 4 years fellow sec4s, if i am gonna list down every
single prominent event down, it would take a long long list. So here
are the ones that really struck me and i hope you guys too. (:

1. First legion meeting. Remember it really clearly. Met Mr Ang and Dom
Chia. Not forgetting those from my class. Auggy, Moose, Fish,
Rod. What really struck me was Mr Ang could remember my name on the very
first meeting. (:

2. Second legion meeting. Noticed angry man, joel, as the brother of
then president, gideon.

3. Legion camp when i got to know matthias and james.

4. Knew Joshua well when julian came into the picture. Chin Hao
suddenly popped out in sec2 and yea that completes the picture.
Well other than gareth whom i knew in sec 1.

5. Legion Chalet in june sec 1. Really wonderful time.

6. Legion chalet in dec sec 1. I fell sick and matthias was really kind
by offering me a cold towel to dispel the heat. LOL so i was already
HOT in sec 1 ! hahaha okay ego..

7. Selling flowers for the needy AIDS patients.

8. Legion camp in sec 2. Knew MOSES YEO. He's such an ass, but essential
to the group. YOu gotta agree with that man. No moses yeo = no whacked
stuff.

9. Visit to the Gift of Love home. Forced by Mr Ang to bathe those old
folks. I think that would be most vivid in my experience in the
legion.

10.Speaking with the old folks together with the rest of sec 4s. Well
the first few times were really frightening cos' i didnt know what
to say and i was afraid. But i really grew from there.

11.Meeting Henry the old folk. Grew quite close to him after chatting
for a few weeks. Pity he left and i never got a chance to bid
farewell.

12.In sec 3, taking over from sec4s early on in the year, and
struggling together to make meetings work.

13.Kind of got hold of meeting and make it work. I hope so. Sorry to
make you guys put up with my ego during meetings. But i think it
made meetings work better la ! Hahaha !

14.GOing through lltc, psltc, orientation camps and campfire together.
Well most of us.

15.Planning for legion camp and carrying it out. Planning for legion
chalets and creating legion shirt!

16.Having meals together, playing bridge, tai di, soccer, etc. Prayers
together, mass together, GROW SPIRITUALLY TOGETHER.

17.Retreats together.

18.BATHE together ! HAHAHA :P

19.Sleep together too ! (In our own sleeping bags that is...)

20.Enjoy each other's company.

There are soooo many other other other more shared experiences only
known to you all and I. This 4 years has been GREAT and i thank God
for you all, His presence in My life ! (:

*To be present to God by being present to EACH other.

2006-12-04T22:01:00.000+08:00

Today was AWESOME! Sooo shiok man ! Got out of the house bright and
early in the morning and guess what? I got to somerset freaking early
and Nature so happen had to call me. Thankfully i was early :p BUt oh
wells, piggy was unusually late today so i had to wait for quite a
while. But the whole day MORE than made up for it! WOOH!

ALright while i was watching 'just friends' just now, i was made into
think that sometimes guys put up a front in order to impress the girl
that they are trying to chase. For example in the movie, the guy was
raving about his achievements; being connected to celebrities, owning
a big car and having tons of money.

So he thought that giving a BIG account of how succesful his life is,
he can successfully woo the woman of his dreams. Well, he got it
terribly wrong instead. What she saw in him was a changed person.
One who is bloated with ego and so full of himself. She yearned for
the old Chris(His name i think). A chris who was honest and true
to himself.Someone who wasn't putting on airs and being someone else
just to please her.

Instead, i guess what would really win over her heart is to be himself,
the older Chris who she really wanted. Not some showboater who thinks
that money, fame and achievements can buy over love.

So from this example, i guess that whenever we men are out on a date
and trying to impress the girl/girls, why not take a step back and keep
those achievements and success stories to yourself. Recall your true
self, what you presume your natural self to be, and then let it exude
out. That i can guarantee, will win over your woman's heart. (:

Worst come to worst, if she cant accept you for who you are, then at
least you can leave with the satisfaction that throughout the course
of the dating, your true self wasnt in the least compromised !

So what really matters in a relationship in my opinion is the ability
to be honest with each other, and not hide anything from one another.
Dishonesty would lead to little walls of suspicion built between
one another. Over a period of time, the wall gets so high that you
are not able to communicate with each other. The relationship fails
cos' a common understanding isn't reached.

So be true to yourself. Thats when you look in the mirror and
recognise the image you are looking at.

Take me for example. Haha this is entirely in my own opinion. I know
i have an ego as huge as the largest erhems in this world. But that's
me. So in that sense, i guess i am true to myself by letting it exude
out. But since egotism isn't entirely a good thing at times, i would
then need to hold it back at times. Moreover, i hope that my
relationship is working out, cos' i am not afraid of letting my true
egoistic pig self out! WOOH!

If your other half isn't going to accept you for who you are, then
forget about the relationship man...You are better off single.

Of course with that said, i mean only the healthy and acceptable points.
Of course accepting the other half doesnt warrant you to accept his/her
bad stuff like punctuality, insensitivity or wastefulness. It's all a
matter of where to draw the line between accepting the character traits
and knowing which are not so good for the other half and doing your
best to help the person improve.

Alright i just leave you all to ponder on the above. The bottom line,
let God be your guide in ALL that you undertake and be true to your
natural self (:

On a lighter note, I gotta say that iam a PRO at air hockey la !
The undisputed reigning KING who THRASHED piggy ! oh yea oh yea !
WHO'S THE MAN ?! hahaha take that piece of ego cos' thats WHO I AM !
8-0, 11-6 !

I saw Christian while walking along Orchard, and MAN he blew me
away with his funky MOHAWK ! I think i stared a little bit too long at
his hair ! Heh.. I thought it really stood out though. Good on you man!

Got myself scratched too.. Now i have a permanent scar.
My resolution ? Go gentle in the future! Its not as if i am gonna lose
out. :P My CONFIDENCE will get me through !

Alright chalet tomorrow ! Dont forget the BALLS !

2006-12-03T12:57:00.000+08:00

Lol i cant seem to post more pictures in a single entry. Dont know why man. Anyway heres more !
Read between those glovey fingers..Pissed at that moment..
Mao's body residing in that mausoleum. The queue was just stupendously long.

Strings attached. Heh.

Slender legs on HOT stilts !

Trust me, that's ALL gold and crystal on that ceiling !
Siblings on the Great Wall.
Just a little more to the top !
The view from up top. The fear of heights kicks in... :(
Where water turns to ICE !
Watch those fingers you amateur singer ! HAHA !
The sperm and the egg ! Oohlala ! sick...
The Temple of Heaven. *bloated face
Man! The lake FROZE! Get those ice skates OUT! and pray the ice doesnt break :p
That nescafe keeping me alive in the -15 weather..Somewhere near Mongolia..
Poor head...

No elaboration needed. Hehe..
Where's my hoy chinese masseuse ? I want a refund ! But her technique was damn good till it made me HIGH! seriously man...I was HIGH after that!
Pollution. Disgusting.
The China jam. When the driver stops the engine cos' you wont be moving for a few hours. On the right, the fence whcih bore the brunt of the male pee! The women? HAHA well, they did it on the bus and into plastic bags! Aint gonna show that pic of the plastic bags man! :p
My macdonalds meal. The dining at that restaurant just sucked. 'GouBuLi' buns is what they served. (Even the dogs aint bothering; direct translation.)
Lol we got bored..
Xmas' season on board SQ801!
Finally HOME! WOOH!

2006-12-03T12:39:00.000+08:00

continued'
The place where it ALL happens! The Emperor's bedroom!

A long fat thing sticking out into the air. Wonder why...

Tradtional fire-fighting techniques.

Here's my tongue mei. Happy Bday ! 26th nov.

Hot PRC chic just walked by.

2006-12-03T12:00:00.000+08:00

Hello people ! Just came back from Beijing yesterday and instead of rambling on about how relatively good it was, i will do a photo post this time. (:

I think the best part of the trip was that it snowed on and only on the 1st day of arrival. Coupled with the freezing cold weather, and a tour guide who thinks you're hot, this trip couldn't get any better ! (well if i had better company then i am sure i would be so much better !)
Remains of a journey begun. (Plane in the background :p)
I am still a child at heart !
Aint it look like a scene from a Korean melodrama ?
Check out the snow in the background. Unbelievable!
Spring water coming out and into your room! Living it up man!

The state of the houses beside a 5star hotel. Injustice.

2006-11-24T13:53:00.000+08:00

Os are over ! I know that statement should be made a long time ago,
one week to be precise. But i have really been caught up with having
FUN that i have neglected this blog thing.

I will be going to Beijing later tonight and the thing is, i am not
too keen and excited on going there. The only thing that is making the
trip exciting is the flights to and from Beijing, and the prospect
of meeting new people on the tour ! I hope you all get the drift of
meeting 'new people'. Heh.. If you dont, then too bad you are slow..

This past week has really been a blast ! 'Blast' is actually an
understatement. Anyway, i have been busy with golf, gym, going out
and trying to learn trading. And oh yea ! Looks like i finally
persuaded that stubborn block of wood (my Dad) to put VJC as my first
choice of JC for the first three months. I hope i will be comfortable
and settle in quick in JC.

Alright i am glad to say that i have a LIFE ! Unlike some other losers
out there who condemn people's lives when they themselves sorely need
some life in them. Always hated two-faced people. No integrity, no
honour and most importantly; self-respect.

Alright i shant continue rambling. Catch you all whoever you may be
later ! Going to collect my new pair pf glasses now ! WOOH !
I hope it looks good on me :p

Ciao ! (loving you as always)

2006-11-11T00:46:00.000+08:00

I am just seriously suffering from the effects of repression. Easily pissed, put off, disgusted, disillusioned, discouraged, saddened, swayed, and most importantly being emotionally unstable.

I dont know whether its the result of the examinations taking its toll on me, or the fact that i need to tolerate so many injustices and rants, at the same time try to be understanding. Sometimes i get so bogged down and i fall into a slight depression where it overwhelms me and sweeps my feet off the ground. Maybe that is why the past few nights I havn't been sleeping well.

It might also be the amalgamation of both. Exams plus the strain of tolerating people. C'mon Jason, dont let this affect you. Now is not the time to succumb to the emotions and thoughts. Shut them out. Know your priorities at this stage, which is undoubtedly the finishing of your Os. Block them off; dont let it affect your mental stability.

My whole soul is so stuffed up and i find it hard to breathe, literally. I need reprieve, and fast. Why is the freaking world so uncaring and blind to my needs? My whole soul is just shouting out for comfort, help and healing. Who is there to take notice? I am sad to say, NO ONE. Not a single soul out there is sensitive enough to fu@#king comfort my inflicted soul.

Man i feel like a bi#c%. But what am i supposed to do? Stifle it further and cause myself more damage? I am just glad i have this avenue which allow me to express myself and release my unspoken bad gas.

Come Holy Spirit i NEED you, come sweet Spirit i pray, come in Thy love and Thy power, come in Thy own gentle way.

I am poor and needy; may the Lord think of me. You are my help and my deliverer; O my God, do not delay. Psalm 40:17

2006-11-07T23:11:00.000+08:00

A few more hours before my english paper begins. Somehow or rather i don't feel confident that i will do well for it. I have been looking through countless essays the past few hours, and i am slightly overwhelmed by their literary abilities. Will i be able to surmount my inferiority complex and produce an essay worthy of commendation? Lets just pray I do.

Have faith. Yes that is what i sorely need now. When everything seems so difficult and insurmountable, all i need now is a glimmer of HOPE. Hope to fill the emptiness and discouragement, hope to give me direction and confidence, and hope to lift me out of my wretched state.

Mastery of the English language i believe takes time and effort to cultivate. In fact in order to master any skill, the investment of time and effort are the cornerstones to perfection. It is rather impossible to fully grasp the language at this juncture. Time has flew by a few months ago, whereas i am still stuck here in a rut, trying desperately to salvage whatever little i can. All i can do now is to go into the examination hall with full confidence of whatever ability i have, and HOPE in the Lord that He will make my paths straight. (:

All i am desiring for is the ability to connect with my essay, as well as for the British markers to see the perceptions and emotions to my interpretation of the topic.

The night is not getting any younger, and so are we. Let tomorrow be a day worthy of joy and celebration. I have done my best, I leave the rest into your hands Lord. Do with it what You will, Your love and grace are enough for me. I shall ask for nothing more. Amen. (:

2006-10-29T00:47:00.000+08:00

Alright, today i was seriously pissed off by my sis and her behviours. So i wrote an essay about insensitivity, something that has been making me think alot lately. Here it goes...

Increasingly, I notice Singaporeans portraying insensitive behavioural patterns in public. Outright disregard for the presence and dignity of others is rampant. To cite examples are the occurrences of litter, uncouth mannerisms and the common hearing of expletives amongst the general public. Therefore, I would in this essay, explore the various reasons why Singaporeans are incorporating this insensitive attitude in their lives.

I believe that pride plays an important role in determining the sensitive quotient. Being proud is a normal human attribute. Therefore I would say that invariably, most people would at some point in time, succumb to being insensitive. For example, when encountering a situation that warrants being sensitive, many in Singapore would shy away from the desired reaction. I believe that this is the case as being sensitive requires deep humility to carry out the action. Thus many rather prefer to remain in their zone of comfort, as stepping out of it requires them to relinquish their pride. Moreover, humility in today’s context is deemed a weakness. Humility is regarded as bowing down and
caving in to pressure, while pride prevents that from happening. Therefore our reputation is saved from wreck at the expense of sensitivity.

Singapore, with its competitive lifestyle, subconsciously urges its people to think only for themselves. In this ‘cat-eat-mouse’ society, being sensitive would result in demise. Allowing good naturism to flourish would hinder the level of attainment as that would mean the investment of extra effort. Most people clamber over wealth and success, leaving no room for moral development. Therefore many are unsure of how to go about being sensitive as most of their lifetime was probably spent on being insensitive and individualistic.

Though the vast improvement of modern technology has its benefits, I believe that it has also led to Singaporeans and people at large into becoming insensitive. With the proliferation of mass media and the internet, our global family has grown closer. What happens at the opposing end of earth can be easily captured on film and broadcasted to the rest of the world. Therefore it is not uncommon to find hordes of people lying in agony, body covered in dirt and blood on the television screen. Movies nowadays also screen alot of violence, gore and blood. All these have contributed significantly by increasing the threshold of tolerance to such scenes. Unknowingly, the influence takes its toll. As time goes by, blood, violence and death become a common sight. Our feelings harden towards these scenes and so does our sensitivity.

Sensitivity inevitably takes courage. The ability to exude sensitivity depends largely on the type of upbringing. With the proper guidance and direction, it is clear that insensitivity has caused the many problems this world is facing now, for example the nuclear crisis in North Korea. If the North Korean leader is sensitive to the needs of his people and not towards his nuclear ambitions, then the crisis would gain some headway into a resolution. Therefore making a conscious decision to want to be sensitive, sparking a small inner revolution that hopefully is picked up by others. All it takes is something simple yet difficult; courage.

Sensitivity stems down to each individual wanting to make a change. To step outside the norm, for that is what is correct. Fundamentally, Singaporeans being insensitive, as pointed out already, has got to do with the pride that resides in all human beings which prevents us from being sensitive. The competitiveness of the society also inhibits the portrayal of sensitive acts while technology has hardened our emotions and feelings towards the less fortunate. With courage however, can Singaporeans successfully cross the barrier of pride and insecurity.

My eyes stinged...dang!

2006-10-27T22:41:00.000+08:00

It has been a while since i last updated, if 3 days isn't long enough. So right, lets get down to business.

I have a week left to my Os, but i really am very slack, or so i think. Maybe i have already prepared for the prelims, but even then, i dont feel the vibes. So alright, the next week my resolution is : MUG HARDCORE.

I would like to take this opportunity to apologise to all the people i am going to offend the next week as you wont want to be near me when i am in overdrive. So my apologies. (:

Alright today i got to say that i really had a Blast! Walked here and there, here and there, here and there. According to piggy, we covered 3/4's of Orchard road. (I think i justified my notion on me being slack eh?)

Today is XD's sweet sixteen, coming of age. So i was supposed to give a VJC Choir worthy rendition of "happy birthday". Unfortunately, it didn't quite take off, sadly so. Man, was i preparing for that big moment when i could finally demonstrate my singing prowess! Dang! I was shaken to bits. What turned out awfully wrong became worst when XD recorded my singing. Sheash i hope it aint thaaat bad...

Piggy and I bought a humongous superman balloon for XD! Haha we had to go through the embarrassment of lugging it to lido and then to wisma atria to pass it to him. Along the way there was this unknown guy who went "Superman!!!". Honestly my face went RED at that moment. But all's well end's well. We suffered the humiliating ordeal for just about 15mins while XD had to go through MORE i am sure.

Another 'blushing' experience today was when i saw piggy's mom at Taka! Oh man! the whole thing just happened sooo quickly that i couldnt even get myself to tremble with nervousness an anxiety. We were walking along the women's section at Taka, shortly stepping out of the escalator. However we were oblivious to the fact that piggy's mom and godma were just behind us! "Meinu!" hmmm, maybe calling for someone else. "Meinu!" oh man not the second time. Piggy looked behind and Wham! Her Godma and Mom were standing behind us! Haha the funny part was they were saying that they had been stalking us. Well i aint going to believe that :P So i said my hi's and the usual stuff and oh yea! I apologised to piggy's Mom for taking her away from her :P

The whole event just unfolded itself amazingly fast that when i actually felt anxious, it was over already! Haha got to really thank God for this (:

Alright i have nothing really to reflect upon, i guess my mind is on cloud nine, where everything seems to fall just in place. No grievances, no injustices, and most importantly no hatred and enmity.

My first in a loooooooong time, really. Could not remember when was the last time i had 'that' outside a office at taka.

Gosh i got to take my hat off for the designers of Taka for choosing such an obscure location to enter their office.

Okies dokies..this post is heartfelt, didn't use my mind to think and reflect much. Hope it shows my sincerity (:

Our Prayer...Growing closer together and with God.

2006-10-24T00:48:00.000+08:00

Today was a day of memory and fantasy. You give me wings when i am falling, you lift me up when i am down, taking me high, touching the sky, you make me fly.

Though everything IS real, the whole event was what i would expect in a dream. Oh wells, i guess it is a moment to cherish, hold dear to my heart and grow closer together and with God.

Nothing really much to blog about, except that what a Patrician said to me today that was rather insightful:

Earlier on in the conversation, i said that love transcends everything. Out of the blue, he then questioned me that if i were ever to fall in love with a muslim lady, would i convert?

It got me really thinking, especially about how much i really cherish and value my faith with regards to love. I would rather like to think that love and religion goes together, as through the common understanding of the existence of God, would we then grow closer to our partner.

However, it is apparently not so evident in the case of love between a muslim and a non-muslim. In this case, i would really think hard about whether I am able to live with the idea of having to relinquish my faith for the love of that particular person.

I pray hard that i might not ever be put into a situation where i have to choose between religion and love. It has been an arduous journey in my faith ever since pri 2 when i became a fully fledged Catholic. Looking back, i have managed to somewhat own my faith and make it personal. It used to be the faith of my Mom, because it was she who introduced Catholicism to me. 8 years have since past, and i am a living a reinvigorated life as a Catholic. I can only be overjoyed and thankful that i did not let the opportunity slip on by.

Coming back, it is this firm and strong sense of belonging i have towards my faith that has got me seriously pondering over whether love should take precedence over religion.

Nonetheless, i have a small intuition that there is only one God despite the many religion. Before i continue, i have to state that whatever i say next is purely me own opinion. Should i offend any readers, i am deeply apologetic. Okay, i feel that the many religions are testimony that yes there is a supernatural presence in our life, which is God. The different religions point to a similar fact that goodness always prevails and that God has made his presence known to people from all walks of life.

To those who are aethist, at least they know what is good and what is wrong. That ability comes from our conscience. I strongly believe that this conscience that we all possess is the God of our life. The ability to hold back all take the step. God is there in our conscience, the pervasive warning system in most human beings.

Damn, i am straying from my topic of discussion. Okay coming back, since i believe that despite the many religions, i believe that those are different facets to reveal the one true God. Therefore, whether i am muslim, catholic, buddhist etc, as long as i am able to live with my chosen partner, be faithful to her and respect the omnipotence of God, then love should pair well with religion.

*It's a draw! you made my tummy ache! I almost squealed :P Too bad you missed it!

2006-10-21T01:46:00.000+08:00

I am seriously put off by some of the comments made by the people here at my blog. What happened to the talk of sensitivity and leading a Christian life and all the teachings?

Dont you think that you have stooped yourself to the level of a hypocrite by unjustifying the irresponsible comments that you both have made? I hope you realise that a certain measure of fun can be carried out, but not at the expense of causing me emotional distress. Please do come to your senses, soon. I am afraid it is people like you two that have altered public perception of Christians who preach a certain set of teachings, but practice something totally divergent.

Ultimately i respect your views and hope that you would respect my feelings too. It has got to be something mutual. What both of you have just done is something immature (sorry if i have offended you) and ungracious. If you ever have any qualms about the opinions and my PERSONAL life, i hope you will look me up and talk to me face to face. Or in the least you could pluck up enough courage to put your name on your tag. What you have done today is just er..LC (to quote you LAMEblog) Whatever happened to the courage that have resulted in those flippant tags?

Right now at this present moment, i have this to say:

A moment of folly, would result in a long time of regret.

I hope that both of you will learn some sense of mannerisms, basic courtesy, and responsiblity. Leave my personal life alone. It has got nothing to with you. That is the least you can do other than by ceasing to lie and frabricating half-truths.

*Heated emotions. Give me a break, leave me and my personal welfare at arms length. Allow me in the least to possess some privacy in relation to my personal life. It is of no business and interest to you. Go get a life.

2006-10-19T22:16:00.000+08:00

A certain conversation today kind of gave me a wham bang bing bong in the face!

Yes a conversation with my "dearest" Dad. To cut to the chase, he was trying to bring across the message that though money may not be the most important commodity to possess, it still IS a very much big factor which defines our net happiness.

Investing our money. Hmmm, something which is going to sound really familiar to me in the near future. All thanks to my Dad who is going to impart whatever knowledge he has on this money-grubbing opportunity.

He feels that due to inflation and whatever nonsense, our salary next time would not be able to sustain a decent level of comfortable living. Therefore he is suggesting that we would need at least other sources of income to supplement our measely salary. Thus, investment comes into the picture.

Through this laid-back, untiring economic activity, is where one will be able to turn 50,000 into 5,000,000. Sounds easy? i highly doubt so. According to him though, it seems easy and attainable. One only requires patience as the returns may take up to a year or more. I question however, if investing money is so simple an activity, then why isn't there mass hordes of people engaging in it? This, i reason must be due to the high amounts of risks that are present and accounted for. My Dad however says that the risks are all calculated ones and so on so forth.

Though it seems really appealing, I feel that investment is kind of a lazy way of earning money. Some might argue that the risks involved more than makes up for the effort that is needed for a decent job, but i say "What happened to all the talk about earning a just wage for an honest day's work?". I guess there is really no right or wrong answer. It really depends on what principles and values you uphold. But i guess if you dont cheat anyone or rely on underhand methods to ensure the success of the investment, then it's fine. (:

Okay i think i sound really boring dragging on and on about this pathetic life of mine. Now to something really enjoyable, MUGGING !

I have come up with a comprehensive mugging schedule that will take me to the Os, and hopefully to a desirable number of A1s. Mugging in the morning, and then in te afternoon and hopefully squeeze one more session at night.

Stressing myself too much? Yes i think so, but i guess i hope to achieve a healthy balance. I know my de-stress machine is always there for my FREE usage! Night times has always been a time of the day in which i look forward alot, when i can let my hair down after a day of studying.

*I will always treasure the nights, and i give thanks to the Lord for so graciously bringing a certain special someone into my life (:

2006-10-18T23:35:00.000+08:00

I guess this past 2 days have been days of revelations. “Practice what you preach”, “Walk the Christian path”, and so on so forth.

Many things have happened in the span of just 2 days. Cherish your life. Live for today, not tomorrow, because tomorrow will become another today and you will start laying things off again.

I guess sometimes I seriously need to act out what I keep on saying and preaching. I guess that’s why Dad is so against the Christians. I think it is people like me who have said things but practice another. Human nature to possess shortcomings? Yes, to a certain extent. But one is committed to acting out because words carry intent. Therefore it is paramount that you act out whatever you say.

No one said it is going to be easy. The cross is not easy to carry. Nonetheless, set your sights on Him, for he has promised that He will make our paths straight.

I read somewhere today something that really struck me. It thought about making empty promises. Saying the three words to your partner because you want him/her to be happy and pleased, but not because you really mean it. I guess I really need to ponder over this one. Though the attraction is strong, and the vibes are all there, I guess I need to really question myself what really is love?

By definition: ‘have great affection for, sexual passion, wholehearted liking for something, beloved’. I guess the dictionary failed to comprehend the great magnitude of love. After all, love cannot be expressed in mere words. Words are there to help us articulate our thoughts, whereas love deals with emotions.

Therefore coming back, is what I am really feeling love? Is it too premature? I guess only time can reveal the answer in its simplicity. For me, love is something really deep. Only the great length of time can expose the hidden meaning of love. Right at this moment, though it is hard to express it in words, I think it is the ability to be faithful and caring to the one whom you have committed to share your life with.

Base on that description, I think it is love then. But I am uncertain and apprehensive, as time has not taken its toll yet. For now, I will be confident of the future and do what I can and leave the rest to God to handle in his own way.

WEALTH VS CONTENTMENT

2006-10-16T21:59:00.000+08:00

The final official school day… Oh what a happy day it was! But from what I thought was to be a happy day, turned into one filled with emotions. Sad, heavy but yet mature hearts trudged out for the final time out of the Founder’s Hall to the tune of ‘Hail, hail alma mater!’

But what really left a deep impact on me was that the hardest of hearts could melt under their overwhelming emotions. Yes, after watching Lex and Andrew tear, my heart too was heavy with feelings over this magnificent past 4 years. I thought they were putting on an act, and I really thought that their tears were all forced out. When I realized that those were true tears, I buckled too. Tears welled up in my eyes. Recollecting the experiences over these past 4 years was overbearing enough. From the first day of secondary 1, where I knew really very few people, till now where I have grown from strength to strength in almost all aspects, socially, spiritually, physically, psychologically, emotionally and so on so forth.

I truly must thank God, for this experience of a lifetime. I assure everyone that if I were ever to bear a son, yes he will be headed to SJI, my alma mater! SJI embodies almost everything that one can think of about a Catholic school. Faith, Service, Community, being men of integrity, men of faith, MEN FOR OTHERS. The list of Lasallian values just continues unabated.

If I were to recount my personal transformation, I am afraid that it will become too wordy. Nonetheless, I have this to those who are reading this entry:

No matter what school you hail from, I firmly believe that each school epitomizes their own unique aspects of student development. Therefore it is of utmost importance to cherish your time there, and make the full use of it to maximize your hidden potential!
All agree ???!!!

Other than the significant closure of my life, the class event of the year that followed after the Para-liturgy was just MEMORABLE. Haha, underwears were torn and genitals ached. Nonetheless, it was truly an experience that I will forever cherish with 434’06! Especially the videos, that I WILL CHERISH! :) :) :)

*Honey, sugar, darling, baby, piggy 2 !! :P :P :P

2006-10-14T01:32:00.000+08:00

OH MAN! Today was the BOMB!

Last formal day of school and the extermination of the Rape series cameraman Mr. Jonathan WANG! I have to admit Wang; it was ME who tore your undergarments!! But TOO BAD, school’s out so there won’t be anymore chances for revenge :P Wedgied in mid air! HAHA kind of…now you know how I felt that time. Tsk, time for a taste of your own bitter medicine (: (: (:

Next came the JC open houses at Raffles and Temasek. It was an eye opener but I truly hope that Victoria will blow me away if not I may see myself slipping away to either Temasek or Raffles. I must say the facilities at Raffles JC were state-of-the-art. Their lecture theatre alone was seriously very well furbished and it instilled from the start a mood to want to engage in serious study. Unfortunately, I felt that RJC has quite a poor student environment. I kind of figured that the people there were either from RI or RGS, so what does that leave me an SJI guy with? I guess it would be quite hard for me to acclimatize to their environment in which the RI and RGS people would have already gotten use to.

Temasek was nice (: The swim team was especially fervent towards their recruitment of potential swimmers! Haha, do I look like a swimmer? Hmmm, maybe I do cos’ of my erhem…Anyway, if I were to go to TJC, I realized that the possibility of me fitting in there would be amazingly high. The atmosphere and ambience there for interaction are very conducive for me. What a reversal of tides between RJC and TJC. So I guess it’s going to boil down to:
FACILITIES VS ENVIRONMENT

After the open houses, I headed down to town with piggy and yeap, from then onwards it was just SPECIAL. It marks a new beginning on this terrific day, Friday the 13th October 2006. Its now going to be slightly different, but the same nonetheless. I believe and so should you. Lets hold on to each other and hope on the Lord our God to guide and light our way. He will always be there for us regardless of which direction, left or right that we are going to choose. It is whether we are able to place our pride aside and BELIEVE that He to be there for US (: (: (:

I learnt one thing from watching *World Trade Center.

The sanctity of the human spirit should never be disregarded because that is what will keep us alive when death looms.
Love drives our existence. Greatest Commandment: Love your God with all your mind, heat and soul, and your neighbour as yourself.

2006-10-12T00:06:00.000+08:00

Today was an eventful and memorable day. The destruction of Royston’s medium of support aka his underwear. What was even more spastic was that Joshua got his underwear torn when it was supposed to be Royston’s! What an irony. Haha serve Joshua right for head-butting Royston in his groin area! That move made a PERFECT 69 position and Royston merely had to shaft his hand into Joshua’s pants and Voila! Joshua got wedgied!

But what made me think more about this humorous incident was a comment made by Wei An. He said this:

“Why you all still so immature! 16 years old already! Next year going to JC and yet can still behave like this! Next year some more got girls in school why you all can still do such a thing! Royston looks like he’s got (something along the lines of cancer :p)”

It struck me quite hard in the face and I took a step back, literally. How can I bring myself to commit such acts of immaturity? Whatever happened to the sensitivity and thinking about people’s feelings before deciding to act? Hmmm I guess it disappeared into thin air once the temptation kicked in. Heh. :)

Fish made a really good comment that day. I guess I got to admit that I have hmm a big ego? Haha yea I think so too, at times. But what he said that was true was that every time Chin deflated my ego, in a matter of moments it would be inflated automatically back again. So I guess that’s something that I have to work on. I also feel that I need to find my true self. I have this feeling that I have been really detached from what I am. It’s as if I am lost inside my own self. I guess over the years I have never really got in touch with my inner being. Not till now where prayer has played a great deal in guiding me to wanting to know what I really am on the inside. I am en route to self-discovery where I need to get in touch with my values, principles as well as my beliefs.

You need to know yourself. The world forces you to change your personality, character and beliefs. The pressure of being left behind, over-looked and trodden upon by the rest makes us want to change and fit into society. Upon looking back, is that what should really be happening? Changing your character and end up losing your dignity and integrity? Or should it be a case where you are able to hold on and be steadfast with yourself? The natural answer is the latter, though the easier option is the former. But by choosing the former, you lose yourself. You get confused and exasperated as you are forced into living a life where you look into the mirror and do not recognize the reflection on it.

Therefore people, grit your teeth, clench your fists and hold on. Keep to yourself and God will make sure that everything turns out fine.

I can’t believe I just said that, but I guess that somewhere within my soul lies the spirit. That was the spirit in action, affirming me and us that as long as we are firm to keeping by our authentic self, then the path will be laid straight for us. :) :) :)

*My mission in life is to put a smile on your face*

2006-10-10T22:37:00.000+08:00

“If only more world leaders were women”

So today I was at the food court at Wisma Atria. Firstly I got to say that the food there is expensive and not only that, it is unappetizing as well. What a put off. So then Chin Hao made this comment out of spastic-ism. But we actually thought that sudden and random comment made a lot of sense.

We figured that so many problems are surfacing in the Global political realm due to this; Male EGO. Males are beings who love to assert and make their stand clear. Dominance, Power, Status are associated vocabulary which describes this ego in men.

Look at the current North Korean leader, Kim Jong il. His country’s economic viability has declined over the years or rather it never really took off since his father took control. Yet, he is developing nuclear arms with state funds that should instead be used to alleviate the sufferings of his people. To add to the list of injustice is this: North Korea is a communist country. It is a known fact. Communist = equality among the people. What I find hard to digest is that Kim Jong il is not living in poverty. The leader of the communist country lives life lavishly, throwing countless parties and performances while his people are dying by the roadside outside his place of residence.

Where you may ask is the male ego. I believe it lies in the desire in him to want to make a stand. Just so that he can assert his power by developing nuclear arms thereby undermining global political stability, instilling fear amongst the nations of the world over the fate of the near future.
He wants to make known to the Big powers like China, Japan, USA, Britain and so on that North Korea is a country that is not to be trifled with. I call that sheer stupidity. He knows that by doing so, he is pitting himself against the whole world practically. Yet he is stubbornly sticking to his decision to continue with the development of nuclear arms as he wants to save his “face” or what’s left of it. Backing down now at this juncture would prove to be too humiliating. In my opinion, he has gone too far into pit for him to climb out now. The only possibility of ever resolving this conflict is to come to a compromise. But that would take either side to relent and give in. However, MALE EGO would most probably get in the way and thus the proliferation of the conflict.

Where are the Women??? Please show yourself quick because the world needs leaders who are willing to compromise and work tirelessly for the good of the PEOPLE, not for face and pride.

The only reason why evil persist is because good people do nothing to address the issue.
“Screw the face and the looks!” what is important is your beautiful inside (:

Kim Jong il I hope your good side comes into the open, soon.

2006-10-09T23:48:00.000+08:00

NEWSFLASH: “North Korea reveals underground Nuclear Test”
“World reacts in outrage!”
“UN security council meeting in 1 hour”

Today I feel as if my Social Studies textbook is coming to life. Whatever we learnt from the deterrence and diplomacy part is finally happening in the real world. Maybe it has already happened before, but I guess because I am so engrossed with studying that I finally took notice of these global affairs and politics.

Okay another thing that struck me is what a good friend said to me tonight. “Life is so much more fulfilling when you inspire and touch people’s life, rather than knowing all the organic structures of chemical molecules”. Lets just leave it as that for us to ponder a little bit more about what we are living this life for.

"Everything is possible for those who believes". Yes guys, do you believe in whatever you do? Got confidence to pursue what you want to the very end? Do you possess determination and perseverance? If you do, then congratulations because you have mastered the basic skills of going through the game of life.

My resolution from today is to believe in everything that I set out to accomplish. That means putting in the hours to study and getting good results to please all those who are placing so much hopes on me.

We’ll take things together one step at a time, but I know somehow everything will work out just fine eventually (: That is with the grace of God of course!

2006-10-08T22:24:00.000+08:00

After 16 years, the truth is finally out. 16 years of being kept in the dark is no small feat. CONGRATULATIONS on making this FAR. Unfortunately, YOU are also the one who spoiled everything in my life. Now, the final jigsaws of the problem are pieced together. Late nights, disappearances, short outbursts of temper…Now I understand. Here’s my message to you both, THANK YOU for nothing. Urgh…

Why is it that you got to make it this way? Why must you both even bring me into this world when I should not have even come into being. Scandalous. Why must UNFAITHFULLNESS always get the better of man? Are we just created to be people who go around screwing as and when we please?

I feel disgusted, sad, disappointed to the point where I couldn’t care less anymore. Just shut up both of you. I am sick and tired of listening to both of your interpretations of the story. You make half-truths into facts and obscure the truth from surfacing. Why can’t you keep your mouth shut if you don’t know the full truth?

You want your way ALWAYS. You toil with my emotions and feelings. You think that by doing so, you are helping me to get a better life. Let me tell you, you are instead burdening me. I have had enough of your constant ramblings and yakking. Why must you tell me the same thing countless times over and over again? I get your point, now please step aside and leave me alone.

God, I know you put things in my life for a reason. But I really wonder why all this must happen to me, your most innocent and unknowing son. I feel frustrated and full of bad gas. Moreover all this is happening when it is just one month away from my O levels. Just recently I started to build up a really good friendship and I hope this would not jeopardize the close friendship that we share with each other. Lord, I am afraid and unsure over what will happen next. There is nothing left, so what’s next? I pray that you will help me come to the realization of your will soon. I know you have your plans. But I am afraid that I would get too bogged down by my frustrations and disappointment that I may not come to the realization in time. Lord, be my guide and way. Give me strength and hope to carry on with this arduous journey. This, I ask in deep and humble sincerity.

Dejected, sad, frustrated, helpless, angry, couldn’t be bothered anymore…

2006-10-07T23:34:00.000+08:00

Alright today I have seen the great fluctuations of the curve of life. One moment I am really happy and touched, and in a flash, or rather within hours, my whole being is filled with frustration and disgust.

The morning and afternoon was hmmm, touching. I guess I don’t have the vocabulary to really give the right word for the morning. Only piggy and I would understand the feeling (: For the first time in a long while, I felt loved and respected. Thanks piggy (: The whole time when I was with piggy, my heart was tender and warm. You know… that nice and comforting feeling inside. It will melt the hardest of hearts trust me, my heart melted for one.

Alright I shall not go on about how I felt when I was with piggy. It will take me a full blown essay to vividly recount the experience. My message to those who are reading this, don’t give up on the people whom you love and care for. Show them your love and concern and you will know how it feels if the feeling is reciprocated.

Next on my agenda is the frustration that I am feeling now. This will lead me to the tormenting 1 hour that I spent with my dad, my sis and some other guy. My Dad for one has his principles based on pragmatism and 21st century thinking. Yes and if you all already knew, I really want to be a doctor in the future. In the short term, I really hope to be part of the VJC choir. Why? The answer is passion and interest.

Singing has really been part of me since sec1, and I have always wanted to know what it is like to be in a choir. Unfortunately, church is out because of obvious reasons; Dad’s objection. Thus, I have always cherished some hope that I would be able to enroll myself in a school based choir where my Dad may relent to my requests. He says guys in choir are too sissy and instead he wants me to take up a sport and be physically active. What pissed me off is that he said that he is not being judgmental but rather he said that he cares for my well-being and happiness. I couldn’t stomach that comment as it just too ironical. Moreover, if he wants me to be happy, I think he should respect my interests and support me in my endeavours.

He wants me to take scholarshipwith A*star instead. Alright though i may not have much qualms about it, i mean shouldnt a Father support a son no matter what he decides to pursue in the future? Okay i respect him caring for me and giving his input and suggestions. But, if at the end of the day i still want to be in a choir and become a doctor, then please respect my decision right? What i want in life is meaning, and if i end up doing something unrelated to what i desire to do, then i am living a worthless cause. I might as well be at your beck and call doing things that pleases you and "fufills" your egoistical desires of your "perfect" son. I am starting to think that i am doing things to suit your needs, and what i do is based on your instructions.

Let me tell you this Dad. Recently i have been pondering on whether its better to live a life filled with luxuries and material wealth which is what you want me to attain, or to live a life simply, no material wealth but true happiness with my family. After tonight, my mind is set. I would rather live my life simply and though i may struggle to make ends meet, I am fine with it. I just dont want to forsake happiness and meaning in life to meet your high expectations. Gosh there is so much angst flowing inside me. sheesh...

Anyway, i am just soo happy that no matter how i feel, my piggy friend is always here for me (: Thank you for listening to me just now, i now i sounded really harsh and all towards my Dad. Just want to thank you for tolerating my rants at my Dad (:

2006-10-05T21:16:00.000+08:00

Today has been like any other ordinary day. Nothing spectacular happened as much as I wanted it to be. But today, I caught a glimpse into the joys of God working in this world.

As usual during math period, I was fighting a losing battle against restlessness. Just as I was about to give up all hope and condemn myself to a temporary slumber, my neighbour and ever ready to mugg buddy XD provided me with a new lease of hope! (:

This is what he had done. Though some may say it’s too small to be accorded mention, I beg to differ. It is these small things that help build friendship, and provide a platform for God to manifest himself in our lives (: Because Mr Tung was feeling a little more charitable than usual, he lugged a huge stack of graph papers into class for FREE distribution. He would usually charge 10 cents for a copy. Heh thankfully for today, cos’ I was seriously broke today, devoid of monetary contents in my wallet at the end of the school day, even of coins… Well, so one of my other classmates, Poon, was going to Sir to get his free copy of the graph paper when XD told him to get him 2 copies. Okay, that got me wondering a little.

“Why on earth is he taking an extra copy when we only need one??”

Then he plonked that piece of paper on my desk, “ Nah! For YOU!”
At that moment my stiff heart melted under that simple but thought-provoking action. I realized that these simple actions are very seldom happening nowadays, when the world and society on the whole is promoting the growth of individualism. And yes I for one am guilty of being very individualistic at times, to the point where I disregard anything and everything that is of no purpose and benefit for me.

Alright now for the little introspections of mine today… Going to keep it short so here goes…

For the first time in a long while, I took out that little black book that belonged to Piggy entitled “I kissed Dating Goodbye”. I sincerely recommend this book to all to read because it articulates all the thoughts that I had about relationships and stuff on the whole. You know, put whatever was muffled up inside as words that can be understood.

Yes so today I was at chapter 2. “Intimacy is the reward of commitment”. Wow what really struck me was what it touched on about knowing how one is to balance intimacy with the level of commitment one is willing to obligate to. I mean what it said is really true. How many times does one experience of engaging in an intimate act like hugging when one is not ready for commitment?

Recently I have been really troubled over certain acts of mine. I am not sure whether I should have even allowed myself to engage in them. But I was somewhat ready for the commitment. That was my gut feeling. But well, after reading the book, I realized that I should see God and built the relationship around God. Never should one replace the creator who has made the joy of relationships possible.

Now, it is performing the arduous task of convincing my heart that my mind is made up to let things be just as they are, no intimacy because “intimacy is the reward of commitment”.

"Because God tells us that as Christians we have an in-built commitment level to each other as brothers and sisters in Christ. We're family. And while there are limits to how close men annd women can be in friendships, we cannot shirk our responsibility to care for, encourage, and build up our brothers and sisters" (:

2006-10-04T20:13:00.000+08:00

Alright people, this ladies and gentlemen, is my first real post. So here goes...

Because this is my first post, let me blog about something which is permanent and lasting; MARRIAGE. Just today, because of my diarrhoea, i was stuck at home. Just then, my granny walked into the room and asked me to photocopy my grandpa's, uncle's and her IC. Along with 3 ICs, came a tattered, scotched-taped along the edges, dirty-brown coloured piece of paper. Upon touch, the paper felt coarse and the it felt like it was about to crumble. The brown coloured paper was folded 3 times, so that it looked really small. I opened it. To my surprise, it was my grandma's and grandpa's marriage certificate. Man i was taken aback. I glanced through the marriage cert and holy guacamoly! they were married on 2nd February 1953! a whopping 53 YEARS of marriage! They were married at the church of St Peter's and Paul, and i didn't know till today that my granma's real name is Maria Teresa Teo! Hot name ain't it! (i previously thought that it was just Mildred Teo) What was even more heart-warming was that they have kept this document intact even though they could have just asked for another cert from the registrar of marriages. What kept their marriage together despite the increasing divorce rate in Singapore? This is my analysis :

1. Love ( This is the binding factor, therefore it earns itself the number one spot. C'mon, No love = No trust = short marriage)

2. Trust (Men love to cheat on their wifes. This is what i realise from what the men in my family loove so much to do with the exception of my grandpa (: Thus, the trust that my grandma had towards my grandpa had been and will always be unwavering)

3. Communication ( Though sometimes i feel that both of them lack this aspect, i feel that they have at least taken effort to spend time with each other. Though no words may be said, being with each other and enjoying each other's presence goes a longer way than what words can do)

4.Healthy Sex life (C'mon people. This is an undeniable fact. My grandpa has got the GOODS! haha and so does my grandma! that i am sure. Studies have shown that sex brings couples closer together. So with GREAT sex, couples will grow even MORE closer to each other. Just as in the case of my maternal grandparents! heh (: )

5. Children (Yes children. My grandparents had 5 children actually. Now there is just 4. They never really talked about how they lost their child, but from what my mommy said, it was a girl and she passed on when she was a baby. God rest her soul. Apparently they couldnt afford to get a doctor to save her from fever. That further fuels my determination to become a doctor (: But yes, seeing the little ones grow up, that is my mommy and aunts and uncle, it strenngthens the commitment that they made through marriage. Therefore, children binds the marriage together. Furthermore, seeing their little pride and joys growing up just gives them renewed vigour to continue the union though it may have been tough at times.)

Heh i am speaking like i have experienced marriage. But i am sure there is so much more

And the underlying reason is GOD. Because of the common faith they share, Catholicism, they have learnt to put their trust in God the almighty. Whenever the marriage is unstable, i am sure that they have prayed for some kind of divine intervention to salvage their situation. Therefore, I conclude that from God's grace, stemmed the other 5 reasons which contributed to the lasting marriage that they share (:

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your OWN understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6

The above verse sums up my first ever real post on my brand new blog (:

P.s My piggy friend, i know what you mean.. i can't help but feel awkward. But please dont feel sorry because i know that what you said you really meant it. Dont worry, time will help me accept the things that i cannot change. I am sure God will lift me up and help me too. I dont want you to be distracted and i want the best for you (: Moreover, its your Os next year. And dont fret, because i will do my utmost to keep it going.

2006-10-04T17:16:00.000+08:00

This is officially my first post. Nothing meaningful though cos' this post is a 'white elephant' for Javier's purposes :) The real stuff is coming in a while.. In the meantime, hold on to your seatbelt :P